Relationships

Never give up!

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never ever give up

…and don’t settle!

Don’t settle for mediocrity. I know, I speak from experience! I have settled for the mediocre and it does not work. Value your self-worth and expect reciprocity.

Do not allow anyone to disrespect you! Ever!

The mediocre will just pull you down to their low vibrational energy.

I am a published author and I enjoy writing. Feedback on my work is always positive and motivating and for that I am grateful.

I came across a person in my life who absolutely hated that I write and was always ready to criticize and put me down. I actually shut down my first blog because of the incessant criticism and negativity.

Then my daughter bought me a writing journal and a couple of writing related books for my last birthday, with a comment that I should re-start a new blog and go back to what I love.

I can’t thank her enough and the other wonderful people in my life, women & men who have encouraged me to not only re-find my voice, but to speak my truth and to recall my intrinsic value as a human being.

My blog is steadily gaining followers and a big shout out to each and every one of you! I love you all 😍 I’ve also created a FaceBook page for my blog and that is also gaining followers. I’ve made use of targeted advertising on FaceBook to increase my reach. I know not everyone likes to see ads popping up in their feed, but I’m trying to broaden my reach and I’ve found it to be successful with very few detractors and those I’m happy to ignore. If you don’t like it, scroll on by!

So don’t give up. If you have a dream, chase it. Channel your inner strength, believe in yourself, ignore the naysayers and reach for the sky!

…and that low-vibration person who constantly criticized me? Yeah, who? 😂

strong woman self worth

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Relationships

How to stop a narcissist in their tracks!

By Posted on 0 3 m read
toxic people - the controller

Disengage. Ignore. Give them no oxygen. 

According to the Mayo Clinic: “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others.”(Mayo Clinic )

If you ever have the misfortune of being involved with such a person. Run.

Things to look out for that indicate this type of personality – some of these I know from personal experience interacting with such personalities, other indicators come from well-regarded research:

  1. They have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration (Mayo Clinic);
  2. Controlling behaviour (trying to tell you what to wear or what not to wear, isolating you from friends and/or family);
  3. Consider themselves superior to everyone around them;
  4. Manipulative behaviour. “when a person uses controlling and harmful behaviors to avoid responsibility, conceal their true intentions, or cause doubt and confusion. Manipulation tactics, such as gaslighting, lying, blaming, criticizing, and shaming, can be incredibly damaging to a person’s psychological well-being” Very Well Health
  5. Throw temper tantrums to get their own way;
  6. Self aggrandizement – make themselves sound important, even when they are not;
  7. Be critical of everyone else;
  8. Take advantage of other people;
  9. Lie to get what they want – literally, they will lie about anything to get their own way;
  10. Belittle other people to make themselves feel superior (Mayo Clinic)

Often narcissists suffer crippling low self-esteem (even when aiming to appear superior), they are riddled with insecurities and often self-loathing.

They have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, humiliation and fear of being exposed as a failure. (Mayo Clinic)

There is a common misconception that narcissists target weaker personalities in order to control and damage them. However, a narcissist will often target intelligent and emotionally strong people, they see it as a challenge. If they can control, subdue and damage the self-esteem of a strong person, then the narcissist feels better about themselves. As if they have confirmed their perceived “superiority.”

These people need treatment, yet they are unlikely to recognize their own behaviour. They lack insight and self-awareness and they blame everyone else for their problems, they try to make themselves out to be the victim. Literally. They never acknowledge that they may be in the wrong and they never apologize for poor behaviour.

On a final note, this is what the Mayo Clinic has to say:

“People with narcissistic personality disorder may not want to think that anything could be wrong, so they usually don’t seek treatment. If they do seek treatment, it’s more likely to be for symptoms of depression, drug or alcohol misuse, or another mental health problem. What they view as insults to self-esteem may make it difficult to accept and follow through with treatment.”

That is really sad. Sad for the narcissist as they desperately need treatment and, in spite of their damaging behaviour, they are often depressed, moody and unhappy and suffer lifelong misery. Sad for the people that unfortunately get entangled with a narcissist as they will be emotionally damaged by the encounter.

Unless you are particularly mentally strong, recognize the behaviour and take action to keep yourself safe. Run. Run and don’t look back. Disengage. Ignore. Give them no oxygen.

compulsive liar traits

 

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random thoughts...

Surprising benefits of the single life!

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appreciate being single

There are loads of benefits when you take the time to think about it…

As my daughter said: “…there’s always a silver lining, you just gotta look.”

In this case the silver lining landed in my mailbox. I got my water bill today.

I opened it and was pleasantly surprised to see that it had dropped significantly since the last bill! I realized that it was the first water bill I had since becoming single – the daily charge is averaged out and as you can see in the image below, it has more than halved!

water bill

Now I do like to shower. However, I no longer have another person using up all my water on weekends and visit day during the week. I don’t use the dishwasher as often either. Bonus!

My electricity and gas bills have likewise dropped down a bunch. Then there’s the grocery shopping, I literally have halved my weekly shopping bill. 🤣

But the most expensive item that I have regained?

Peace of mind 🥰

belong to oneself motivational quote

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all about the dog

Animal Assisted Therapy (AAT)

By Posted on 0 3 m read
Therapy dog

My dog George is a therapy dog. He is semi-retired now as he’s becoming an older gentleman, he turns 12 this May.

For many years George and I volunteered every weekend at a dementia facility, and he was also the therapy dog at the university where I worked. We would also visit schools, childcare centres and we also worked with Psychologists helping children and adults manage their dog fear/phobia.

His job was to make people feel happy and he enjoys every minute of the time he spends with people and folk are always so happy to see him. The dementia facility we visited was a “lockdown” facility. The patients there were deemed at risk and were generally the most serious cases. Going there was confronting and challenging, worthwhile and humbling.

The patients were so excited to see George. It would remind them of dogs they had in their earlier life, and it would trigger conversations around dogs and pets and general reminiscences. They could pet him, brush him and he would help calm them when they felt confused and/or agitated. It was a really beautiful way to engage with people who had limited options for engaging with the world. All up we spent around 6 years visiting.

Therapy dog with dementia patient

In this photo, the lady asked if she could have him on her lap for a “real good” cuddle 🥰

Nowadays George only picks up the occasional (free – we never charge) gig as he’s older and needs more rest.

He has come into my current workplace for RUOK Day to spend time with team members and customers. He’s coming to work with me tomorrow for our Wellbeing Day, a day that I actually get to organise as part of my job! I literally have the best job! The whole team and the Managers are thrilled to be welcoming a four-footed, furry, loveable visitor.

Tonight, I’ll spend extra time brushing out his fur (he doesn’t shed much as he’s a Spoodle/Cockapoo – a Cocker Spaniel crossed with a poodle). But I want to make sure his fur is glossy and fully floofy for his visit.

Recently, we worked on a project visiting a dementia ward (different from the place where we volunteered) and spending time with a select group of patients. We would visit once/week and spend an hour to two hours with the patients.

The project is gathering data on whether the patient’s perceived quality of life improved or if they retained memory of the dog visits from week to week.

Research on animal assisted therapy for dementia and Alzheimer’s patients is growing and Dementia Support Australia Animal Assisted Engagement in Dementia Care outline the benefits of this type of care:

“Interacting with animals has many benefits for older people. It can have a positive impact on physical, social, emotional, motivational and cognitive functioning, while helping reduce mood disorders such as anxiety and depression. Animal assisted or pet engagement aims to provide pleasure and relaxation.”

A research study conducted in 2019 Effectiveness of the dog therapy for patients with dementia – a systematic review | BMC Psychiatry | Full Text (biomedcentral.com) found that animal assisted therapy can be a very beneficial and complementary treatment, particularly regarding behavioural and psychological symptoms, and that this is true for patients with varying degrees of dementia severity when that therapy is tailored to their unique needs and interests.

So there you have it. My dog is a sweet soul. He was born to be a therapy dog, I knew it from when he was a pup. Best. Dog. Ever!

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health and fitness

Mindful eating…

By Posted on 0 3 m read
image woman - mindful eating

Before I begin, check out this article from Harvard University for more information on the philosophy behind mindful eating (click the link). Then come back, I’ll be waiting for you!

I have a well known reputation for being fit and healthy, I have also studied nutrition and wellbeing, so I have both a grounding in and a reasonable understanding of the topic.

This is not about weight loss, however if that is your goal, then mindful eating well help you get there. For everyone else, it’s just about eating healthily, good food choices and making sure you are actually present in the moment whilst you are eating.

I was out for dinner with a date the other night. He was saying he loved that I am committed to my fitness and health journey. He said he was looking to drop a couple kilos as he felt he needed to for his own well-being. Then he asked my advice. I must say I do find it amusing that it’s often when eating that folk seek my advice, clearly it’s some sort of trigger for health conversations! He regularly goes to the gym and cycles several days per week, but as he put it he “loves food.” Well, don’t we all love food?

Mindful eating “focuses on our eating experiences, body-related sensations, and thoughts and feelings about food, with heightened awareness and without judgment. Attention is paid to the foods being chosen, internal and external physical cues, and your responses to those cues.” [Harvard, 2020]

Here are three steps you can consider following to help you stay focused and in the moment when eating:

1. Don’t gobble down your food

Put your fork/utensil down between bites. Take it easy, slow it down and just appreciate your food.

image woman eating slowly

2. Pay attention to what you are eating

Enjoy the flavours, aroma, taste and texture – especially if you cooked the meal, admire and enjoy your creation!

 

image enjoy the taste and texture of your food

3. Focus on what you are eating

I know it’s easy to eat in front of the t.v. or your computer, hell I for sure have done that often enough. However, I know personally that if you become engrossed in the screen, the food vanishes before you even realize. Slow. It. Down. Focus! Enjoy! Take it easy! Eat at the table, focus and concentrate on what is on your plate and enjoy your meal.

image focus on what you are eating

Also, if someone takes the time to cook a meal for you – respect their effort and appreciate what you have been offered. Eating is a reverent experience and you honor the person who went to the effort to make something to nourish and please you if you slow it down and focus on the meal.

As for my date, he looked down at his plate and seemed a bit surprised to actually notice the food and the presentation, the mix of colors, the different textures and flavors and he slowed it right down. Hopefully he can take that mindfulness into his next meal and hopefully you can too!

 

 

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random thoughts...

Value yourself and others

By Posted on 0 2 m read
quote - see the good in yourself and others

I’m in a really good place right now…

But I am mindful that it’s not always easy to focus on the positive. However, it’s important to remind yourself of your intrinsic value and self-worth. We can be so busy with the day to day minutiae of life and get caught up with problems and forget to take time out for self-care.

I really value my family and friends and always see the good within them and I know they do likewise with me.

Having meaningful connections with people is important. Valuing the people in your life is important.

We all have flaws (hopefully mine are more endearing than annoying, but that could be wishful thinking!🤷‍♀️😂)

Take the time to really listen to the people in your life. Try to understand where they are coming from, their place in life at this point in time and any joy or struggles they may be facing.

I had an acquaintance of mine message me that he does not like my blog posts. He feels they “reflect poorly” on myself! Well, ok then. I hadn’t asked for his opinion, nor do I particularly welcome his comments. However, in the spirit of seeing the good in folk, I will take the high road and assume that for whatever misguided reason, he (possibly) meant well and if not, it’s not a problem. My blog is for me and my followers and so far the feedback I have received is overwhelmingly positive and encouraging.

Love and peace y’all…

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Relationships

Gaslit…

By Posted on 7 4 m read
The Narcissist quote

Much has been written about gaslighting behaviour in relationships. It’s a term that has entered into psychological literature and the current lexicon when talking about emotionally abusive relationships. See this link for more information What Is Gaslighting? What You Need To Know – Forbes Health

Gaslighting is, in essence, a behaviour whereby one person manipulates the thinking of another person. Primarily to make the other person doubt their own reality and be easier to control.

It’s a concept that I have found interesting to read about and something that entered my own life at one point in time. So I thought I would share my experience of that time.

I was once unfortunately involved in a relationship with an absolute master manipulator. His skill was unsurpassed. He had a lifetime of manipulating, lying to and controlling the women in his life. I was just one in an endless stream.

It started early on, probably in the first couple of months, if not weeks. His external façade was charming, slick and had an appearance of warmth and bonhomie.

I recall one evening when we had dinner together, shared a bottle of wine, and were relaxing and chatting during and afterwards. Not chatting about anything controversial, just pleasant conversation.

All the sudden he pointed a finger at me and said: “I need to tell you something about yourself that you do not want to hear”.

I was taken aback, to be honest I was pretty sure that I did not want to hear something that I “did not want to hear”.

He continued and said: “You need to know that you can be really cold and remote, and I have to tell you”.

I was shocked as we had been having a lovely, pleasant meal and chat. In fact, our whole early relationship to that point had seemed to be warm and friendly. I was very open with him and trusting and I’m fairly sure that I was not in the least cold or remote.

I said that I did not feel that I am either cold or remote. He insisted that I was and that I had to be told.

Hmmmm….

This same conversation happened at irregular and surprising intervals. Surprising, as they always came after a lovely meal or time spent together (always when drinking wine – so my mind was never quite sharp enough).  Always when I was feeling very warm and loving towards him. Afterwards I was left feeling hurt and upset and a bit shaky. It aways felt a bit surreal (that is one of the ways many recipients of gaslighting behaviour describe it, I didn’t realize that until I read more about it) and I felt that I had slipped into the twilight zone. It always began in the exact same way. The script was always the same. “I need to tell you something you do not want to hear…” followed by the accusation of coldness/remoteness – when I was always the very opposite of that.

I disagreed with him, and he insisted that he was correct and that I just did not realize what I was like, and he had to tell me – repeatedly.

I would puzzle over this when I was on my own. I really am not a cold or remote person. But I started to doubt myself. Was he seeing something in me that I could not? He said it often enough and randomly enough that it caused me to constantly examine my behaviour and emotions when I spent time with him.

Eventually I checked in with family and friends who have known me either all my life or a great part thereof. I just needed a reality check, no-one who knows me well thought what he said was true, they always confirmed that I am the exact opposite. Heck, I even called my ex-boyfriend for his feedback/advice. I figured that an ex would not pull any punches in being honest with me – even though we were no longer together, we still stayed in touch. I asked him if during our relationship he ever found me to be cold or remote. He was really surprised and said absolutely not. He said I was always warm and lovely, and he could not imagine anything further from who I am as a person.

The next time the script came up I finally said: “I’m neither of those things and I do not accept you saying that about me”. So that one stopped.

Over the next couple of years, the script changed. It always began with the “I need to tell you something you do not want to hear…” Followed by a description of some terrible flaw of my character. Sometimes the comments were quite ludicrous, and I would just quietly disagree, and he would get angry and keep insisting. Then the next day he always acted like nothing had happened or been said and he would act completely normal. Again, very surreal.

Fortunately, it no longer worked on me. I recognised it for what it was – gaslighting. Never again did I doubt myself in that relationship, however I do realize I should have left a lot earlier. I recognised what he was doing, I made a choice to stay for the companionship, but in the end, nothing is worth being treated poorly.

I am right where I should be quote

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health and fitness

…and it’s Friday!

By Posted on 0 1 m read
scene of a lake

Happy Friday y’all…

I hope wherever you are and wherever you are at, that you have a wonderful day full of love and joy!

It’s beautiful weather over in my neck of the woods and I went for a 6km run this morning. The pics above and below are the views on one of my run trails. I love running, it’s wonderful to be out in nature and it’s uplifting for the heart and spirit.

I’ll head to the gym later for a Balance Class (mixture of yoga and pilates) – nice way to end the week with a stretching, flexibility and balance session – followed by a relaxation, breathing session at the end.

The new man I have started seeing is also into fitness – he goes to the gym and like me, he’s up at ridiculous o’clock (5.30 – 6.00am). He also follows his workout sessions with a protein shake with almond milk (it’s a thing y’all)! It’s nice to connect with someone that I don’t have to explain why I love the early morning or what almond milk is 😂 – he just gets it!

I might even go for a swim in the afternoon, seeing how it’s glorious, sunny weather.

Then a dinner date tonight and dancing all weekend long, because that’s how I roll!

running trail

 

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Relationships

…and forgive those who trespass against us

By Posted on 1 2 m read
image the art of forgiveness

It is important to forgive. The best way to move forward in life is to forgive those who either intentionally or unintentionally hurt us. There is actual research to support this concept – click this link from the Mayo Clinic to read about the benefits of forgiveness.

“By embracing forgiveness, you also can embrace peace and hope” I love that quote. I aim for a peaceful life and I remain optimistic, often in the face of challenging situations. That allows me to have hope for the future and to always move forwards in life.

Forgiveness does not mean you accept another’s poor behaviour. It’s not about them, it’s about yourself and letting go of the pain that holds you back.

Benefits of forgiveness include:

  • Healthier relationships.
  • Improved mental health.
  • Less anxiety, stress and hostility.
  • Fewer symptoms of depression.
  • Lower blood pressure.
  • A stronger immune system.
  • Improved heart health.
  • Improved self-esteem.

Here is a good mantra you can try if you’ve ever been in a toxic relationship:

I can honestly say that I forgive you. I forgive the hurt you caused me, both intentional and possibly unintentional. I understand that you inflict emotional pain because of your insecurities and fears and long-held anger. I can forgive you and let it all go. By forgiving I can reclaim my peace of mind and feel a true sense of lightness and freedom.

I can also forgive myself for staying in that situation far longer than was healthy for my heart, mind and spirit.

That way you will release any hurt you are holding onto and be able to move forwards

 

 

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Relationships

Jump back into the dating pond!

By Posted on 0 4 m read
woman on texting on phone

Dating apps

I thought I’d dip my toe in the dating world and see what or who is out there!

I met my last person at dancing. So jumping on an app is a little different, but could be fun. We’ll see.

I have some serious non-negotiables.

Must love dogs – one previous partner  pretended at first to like my dog, but quickly showed that he did not. Yeah, I know, a man who hates animals (and yes he did – all animals) should literally be yeeted out the door!

Non-smoker (again a previous partner lied and only admitted he smoked after I had already caught feelings for him, he promised he would never smoke around me – mmhmm…. that didn’t last long either!) I certainly won’t miss his smoke polluting my backyard! Again, should have yeeted long ago! What was I thinking?🤷

Someone closer to my age. I once dated a guy nearly 10 years older than me. He was far too old for me, it felt like he was almost from a whole different generation. And I know I’m generalizing here and not all older guys are like this (probably?) but the older/old ones tend to be a bit controlling. Life has to be on their terms and there is very little scope for a genuine and equal partnership.

So, I’ve downloaded one app to start with and I’ve been busily swiping and being swiped and I’ve opened up a couple of conversations. Don’t feel you only have to talk with one person at a time. Some conversations peter out after a few back and forths, others can go on and you either feel there may be a connection or find out there isn’t. It’s all ok, you are just figuring out who and what you want. Take it easy, take it slowly. There are some good ones there, but you do have to be on your guard and filter out the players, users and abusers!

Red flags to watch our for:

🚩Someone looking “for fun” – cool, if that’s for you too. But for sure the “for fun” lads are players.

🚩Someone who wants a woman who does not take herself “too seriously”. Generally, that means they will not respect you. Likely they are unreliable and not looking for a genuine commitment. There are better ways to express the concept of someone who has the capacity to laugh at themselves and appreciate another’s perspective.

🚩Someone who talks about their ex in a disrespectful manner. For example, “my ex is a psycho”. Major red flag . This indicates that they are not over them if they are still carrying anger about someone they broke up with a long time ago. Also, carrying that level of anger is damaging to themselves and ultimately will be damaging to you. They have no agency over their emotional baggage and you will end up trying to turn yourself upside down and inside out to ensure they do not compare you to their ex. But they will, the “ex as psycho” brigade generally don’t actually like women. Truly.

🚩Someone who “love bombs” you in the first message or so. For example, I matched with a cute guy who lived not too far away according to his profile. His first message, he straight up said he visits my town regularly (huh? so you don’t live near me? Then stop lying in your bio dude!). He thought I could be the “one”. Seriously? One message and I’m the one? mmhmm…. no, we haven’t even had a conversation, let alone met each other. He gave me his phone number and said he could not wait to meet me and start a relationship. Yeah, nah. Unmatch!

🚩Someone who says literally nothing in their bio. If they cannot be bothered writing about who they are and what they enjoy, then they won’t be putting much time or attention into getting to know you.

Relationship green flags

They have the capacity to express their emotions calmly and validate your emotions
They respect your boundaries

They don’t get angry over trivial matters

They have agency over their own emotions

They can manage their anger and not lose their shit when you disagree with them

They are not scared to apologize; and

They make you feel safe and valued

So there you have it. I’m in there looking for someone special. Life is too short (especially at my age!) to not try again and be optimistic. Take a chance, download that app, have a swipe or two and start chatting. You never know who you might meet!

Image courtesy of: Kaboompics.com

 

 

 

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