60plus and loving life

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Value yourself and others
random thoughts...

Value yourself and others

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I’m in a really good place right now…

But I am mindful that it’s not always easy to focus on the positive. However, it’s important to remind yourself of your intrinsic value and self-worth. We can be so busy with the day to day minutiae of life and get caught up with problems and forget to take time out for self-care.

I really value my family and friends and always see the good within them and I know they do likewise with me.

Having meaningful connections with people is important. Valuing the people in your life is important.

We all have flaws (hopefully mine are more endearing than annoying, but that could be wishful thinking!🤷‍♀️😂)

Take the time to really listen to the people in your life. Try to understand where they are coming from, their place in life at this point in time and any joy or struggles they may be facing.

I had an acquaintance of mine message me that he does not like my blog posts. He feels they “reflect poorly” on myself! Well, ok then. I hadn’t asked for his opinion, nor do I particularly welcome his comments. However, in the spirit of seeing the good in folk, I will take the high road and assume that for whatever misguided reason, he (possibly) meant well and if not, it’s not a problem. My blog is for me and my followers and so far the feedback I have received is overwhelmingly positive and encouraging.

Love and peace y’all…

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Gaslit…
Relationships

Gaslit…

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Much has been written about gaslighting behaviour in relationships. It’s a term that has entered into psychological literature and the current lexicon when talking about emotionally abusive relationships. See this link for more information What Is Gaslighting? What You Need To Know – Forbes Health

Gaslighting is, in essence, a behaviour whereby one person manipulates the thinking of another person. Primarily to make the other person doubt their own reality and be easier to control.

It’s a concept that I have found interesting to read about and something that entered my own life at one point in time. So I thought I would share my experience of that time.

I was once unfortunately involved in a relationship with an absolute master manipulator. His skill was unsurpassed. He had a lifetime of manipulating, lying to and controlling the women in his life. I was just one in an endless stream.

It started early on, probably in the first couple of months, if not weeks. His external façade was charming, slick and had an appearance of warmth and bonhomie.

I recall one evening when we had dinner together, shared a bottle of wine, and were relaxing and chatting during and afterwards. Not chatting about anything controversial, just pleasant conversation.

All the sudden he pointed a finger at me and said: “I need to tell you something about yourself that you do not want to hear”.

I was taken aback, to be honest I was pretty sure that I did not want to hear something that I “did not want to hear”.

He continued and said: “You need to know that you can be really cold and remote, and I have to tell you”.

I was shocked as we had been having a lovely, pleasant meal and chat. In fact, our whole early relationship to that point had seemed to be warm and friendly. I was very open with him and trusting and I’m fairly sure that I was not in the least cold or remote.

I said that I did not feel that I am either cold or remote. He insisted that I was and that I had to be told.

Hmmmm….

This same conversation happened at irregular and surprising intervals. Surprising, as they always came after a lovely meal or time spent together (always when drinking wine – so my mind was never quite sharp enough).  Always when I was feeling very warm and loving towards him. Afterwards I was left feeling hurt and upset and a bit shaky. It aways felt a bit surreal (that is one of the ways many recipients of gaslighting behaviour describe it, I didn’t realize that until I read more about it) and I felt that I had slipped into the twilight zone. It always began in the exact same way. The script was always the same. “I need to tell you something you do not want to hear…” followed by the accusation of coldness/remoteness – when I was always the very opposite of that.

I disagreed with him, and he insisted that he was correct and that I just did not realize what I was like, and he had to tell me – repeatedly.

I would puzzle over this when I was on my own. I really am not a cold or remote person. But I started to doubt myself. Was he seeing something in me that I could not? He said it often enough and randomly enough that it caused me to constantly examine my behaviour and emotions when I spent time with him.

Eventually I checked in with family and friends who have known me either all my life or a great part thereof. I just needed a reality check, no-one who knows me well thought what he said was true, they always confirmed that I am the exact opposite. Heck, I even called my ex-boyfriend for his feedback/advice. I figured that an ex would not pull any punches in being honest with me – even though we were no longer together, we still stayed in touch. I asked him if during our relationship he ever found me to be cold or remote. He was really surprised and said absolutely not. He said I was always warm and lovely, and he could not imagine anything further from who I am as a person.

The next time the script came up I finally said: “I’m neither of those things and I do not accept you saying that about me”. So that one stopped.

Over the next couple of years, the script changed. It always began with the “I need to tell you something you do not want to hear…” Followed by a description of some terrible flaw of my character. Sometimes the comments were quite ludicrous, and I would just quietly disagree, and he would get angry and keep insisting. Then the next day he always acted like nothing had happened or been said and he would act completely normal. Again, very surreal.

Fortunately, it no longer worked on me. I recognised it for what it was – gaslighting. Never again did I doubt myself in that relationship, however I do realize I should have left a lot earlier. I recognised what he was doing, I made a choice to stay for the companionship, but in the end, nothing is worth being treated poorly.

I am right where I should be quote

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…and it’s Friday!
health and fitness

…and it’s Friday!

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Happy Friday y’all…

I hope wherever you are and wherever you are at, that you have a wonderful day full of love and joy!

It’s beautiful weather over in my neck of the woods and I went for a 6km run this morning. The pics above and below are the views on one of my run trails. I love running, it’s wonderful to be out in nature and it’s uplifting for the heart and spirit.

I’ll head to the gym later for a Balance Class (mixture of yoga and pilates) – nice way to end the week with a stretching, flexibility and balance session – followed by a relaxation, breathing session at the end.

The new man I have started seeing is also into fitness – he goes to the gym and like me, he’s up at ridiculous o’clock (5.30 – 6.00am). He also follows his workout sessions with a protein shake with almond milk (it’s a thing y’all)! It’s nice to connect with someone that I don’t have to explain why I love the early morning or what almond milk is 😂 – he just gets it!

I might even go for a swim in the afternoon, seeing how it’s glorious, sunny weather.

Then a dinner date tonight and dancing all weekend long, because that’s how I roll!

running trail

 

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…and forgive those who trespass against us
Relationships

…and forgive those who trespass against us

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It is important to forgive. The best way to move forward in life is to forgive those who either intentionally or unintentionally hurt us. There is actual research to support this concept – click this link from the Mayo Clinic to read about the benefits of forgiveness.

“By embracing forgiveness, you also can embrace peace and hope” I love that quote. I aim for a peaceful life and I remain optimistic, often in the face of challenging situations. That allows me to have hope for the future and to always move forwards in life.

Forgiveness does not mean you accept another’s poor behaviour. It’s not about them, it’s about yourself and letting go of the pain that holds you back.

Benefits of forgiveness include:

  • Healthier relationships.
  • Improved mental health.
  • Less anxiety, stress and hostility.
  • Fewer symptoms of depression.
  • Lower blood pressure.
  • A stronger immune system.
  • Improved heart health.
  • Improved self-esteem.

Here is a good mantra you can try if you’ve ever been in a toxic relationship:

I can honestly say that I forgive you. I forgive the hurt you caused me, both intentional and possibly unintentional. I understand that you inflict emotional pain because of your insecurities and fears and long-held anger. I can forgive you and let it all go. By forgiving I can reclaim my peace of mind and feel a true sense of lightness and freedom.

I can also forgive myself for staying in that situation far longer than was healthy for my heart, mind and spirit.

That way you will release any hurt you are holding onto and be able to move forwards

 

 

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Jump back into the dating pond!
Relationships

Jump back into the dating pond!

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Dating apps

I thought I’d dip my toe in the dating world and see what or who is out there!

I met my last person at dancing. So jumping on an app is a little different, but could be fun. We’ll see.

I have some serious non-negotiables.

Must love dogs – one previous partner  pretended at first to like my dog, but quickly showed that he did not. Yeah, I know, a man who hates animals (and yes he did – all animals) should literally be yeeted out the door!

Non-smoker (again a previous partner lied and only admitted he smoked after I had already caught feelings for him, he promised he would never smoke around me – mmhmm…. that didn’t last long either!) I certainly won’t miss his smoke polluting my backyard! Again, should have yeeted long ago! What was I thinking?🤷

Someone closer to my age. I once dated a guy nearly 10 years older than me. He was far too old for me, it felt like he was almost from a whole different generation. And I know I’m generalizing here and not all older guys are like this (probably?) but the older/old ones tend to be a bit controlling. Life has to be on their terms and there is very little scope for a genuine and equal partnership.

So, I’ve downloaded one app to start with and I’ve been busily swiping and being swiped and I’ve opened up a couple of conversations. Don’t feel you only have to talk with one person at a time. Some conversations peter out after a few back and forths, others can go on and you either feel there may be a connection or find out there isn’t. It’s all ok, you are just figuring out who and what you want. Take it easy, take it slowly. There are some good ones there, but you do have to be on your guard and filter out the players, users and abusers!

Red flags to watch our for:

🚩Someone looking “for fun” – cool, if that’s for you too. But for sure the “for fun” lads are players.

🚩Someone who wants a woman who does not take herself “too seriously”. Generally, that means they will not respect you. Likely they are unreliable and not looking for a genuine commitment. There are better ways to express the concept of someone who has the capacity to laugh at themselves and appreciate another’s perspective.

🚩Someone who talks about their ex in a disrespectful manner. For example, “my ex is a psycho”. Major red flag . This indicates that they are not over them if they are still carrying anger about someone they broke up with a long time ago. Also, carrying that level of anger is damaging to themselves and ultimately will be damaging to you. They have no agency over their emotional baggage and you will end up trying to turn yourself upside down and inside out to ensure they do not compare you to their ex. But they will, the “ex as psycho” brigade generally don’t actually like women. Truly.

🚩Someone who “love bombs” you in the first message or so. For example, I matched with a cute guy who lived not too far away according to his profile. His first message, he straight up said he visits my town regularly (huh? so you don’t live near me? Then stop lying in your bio dude!). He thought I could be the “one”. Seriously? One message and I’m the one? mmhmm…. no, we haven’t even had a conversation, let alone met each other. He gave me his phone number and said he could not wait to meet me and start a relationship. Yeah, nah. Unmatch!

🚩Someone who says literally nothing in their bio. If they cannot be bothered writing about who they are and what they enjoy, then they won’t be putting much time or attention into getting to know you.

Relationship green flags

They have the capacity to express their emotions calmly and validate your emotions
They respect your boundaries

They don’t get angry over trivial matters

They have agency over their own emotions

They can manage their anger and not lose their shit when you disagree with them

They are not scared to apologize; and

They make you feel safe and valued

So there you have it. I’m in there looking for someone special. Life is too short (especially at my age!) to not try again and be optimistic. Take a chance, download that app, have a swipe or two and start chatting. You never know who you might meet!

Image courtesy of: Kaboompics.com

 

 

 

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Crossroads
health and fitness

Crossroads

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When you reach a crossroad in your life, what do you do to move forward and nurture yourself?

For me that is self-care, writing this blog, going to the gym, running outdoors and staying connected with family and friends. Oh and dancing, always dancing!

Taking the time to pause, reflect and think about the best way forward. Again, for me, that means eating well (aka healthily), re-committing to my exercise regimen and going out and having fun.

I am fortunate that I have good friends, I can draw them around me like a cloak of warmth and love.

My daughter is my best friend and closest ally. We have always had a close and loving relationship. We are each other’s cheer squad. We also understand each other’s low times.

My sister is always there, every single day. Even though she lives over 3,000km away. We message and chat every day. She checks in with me and I with her.

I value good health and fitness, they are my life and they allow me to live my life in the best way possible.

The thing that I do not value is toxic people, unfortunately they can enter one’s life when you let your guard down. Often in the guise of superficial charm. However, if you allow toxicity in, you will find in time that the cracks show and the poison seeps out, sometimes so slowly that you don’t realize that you have been covered in a miasma of unhealthy behaviours. You will catch glimpses, but you may rationalize them away, easier than admitting you have made a mistake.

It is often only when you step out of that connection that you can fully reflect upon all the damaging patterns that recurred like an endless groundhog day.

But when you do step away, pick up your strength and remember who you are. Firmly put one foot in front of the other and move in a healthier and happier direction. Forwards, always forwards. Don’t look back. There is nothing to see in the rear view mirror.

Life can be beautiful and it can be cruel. I choose to focus on the beautiful. Nature, friendship, family, my dog, love and kindness, respect and warmth. Trust me, it is there!

a little pic of Georgie-boy running in the park…

 

 

 

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It’s all about respect
Relationships

It’s all about respect

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Storytime

I’ve been reflecting on how one of my relationships ended. It ended abruptly and brutally. Writing about it is both painful and cathartic.

To be honest I think the relationship was lurching towards a finish anyway. I had thoughts off and on about ending it. Communication was not really healthy and I would regularly let things slide to keep the peace. There comes a time when you can’t just brush things aside and if you are feeling unhappy or disrespected and have no opportunity to work through it, then it feels like the only option is to move on.

My partner’s favourite expression was “the grass isn’t always greener”, whenever he referred to his feelings about me/our relationship or when he was annoyed with me. I felt uncomfortable with that sentiment. It was as if I was only kept around because the other options were somehow less appealing and not that our relationship was intrinsically important or that I as a human being was valued. Hearing that on a regular basis caused me a great deal of discomfort.

Towards the end we had been at odds with each other – not necessarily more or less than at any other time when we were in disagreement about things. This is not about who is right or who is wrong. There are elements and degrees of mutual responsibility when two people are in disharmony.

What this is about is basic respect for another human being.

My partner ended our long-term relationship in a message.

Not in a phone call. Not face-to-face in a difficult conversation.

But in a message.

That is absolutely and utterly disrespectful.

I know in the dating world there is a lot of that behaviour, I read and hear about it all the time.

However, when you have shared your life fully with a person for several years, regardless of what led to the breakdown, you do owe the other person the courtesy of ending things in a civilized and respectful manner. That is not negotiable. We have an obligation to behave like decent human beings towards each other.

Anyway, it’s all in the past and I hope that he found that lush, green grass he was seeking. I also hope he reflected upon his behaviour and did not take that level of disrespect into his next relationship!

respect people's feeling

Credit for colorful RESPECT image to Marco Verch – professional photographer – https://www.flickr.com/photos/30478819@N08/

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Living my Best Life!
random thoughts...

Living my Best Life!

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Weekend #1 post breakup.

Saturday

I was a bit anxious on Friday. For the last 3 ½ years I have literally spent every single weekend with my (ex) partner.

Contemplating my first solo weekend was a bit anxiety inducing and a bit sad too.

My day was usual, I don’t work Fridays. I went to the gym for a pump class at 6, then walked my dog at the park.

Then the usual Friday things, another gym session late in the morning – balance class this time, then grocery shopping, grabbing an almond milk long macchiato on the way home, lunch, read, housework, and another doggie walk.

Oh, and I had a facial too! Part of my self-care is doing all the things that make me feel good, including some pampering.

I’d already decided to go dancing, I know enough people to hang with. However, my friend Helen called in the afternoon. Mostly to check in that I was doing ok – which was thoughtful of her. I told her I was heading out dancing in the evening and invited her along.

She rocked up a bit before 8pm (I was driving from my place) and snap! We were wearing near identical dresses! Her clothing style and colour range is usually completely different to mine, but she’d gone shopping in the day to expand her range. I could have changed, but thought it was more fun to roll up twinning it.

two women in blue dresses

We got to the venue, and I ran into a couple of friends straight away and a few more once we got inside. Massive hugs all round, everyone thrilled to see me out and concerned about how I was feeling post breakup. I love my friends! Told everyone I was fine and dandy, bit of a sad day, but great to be out with familiar faces and ready for a night of dancing!

My mate John was there and I had the first couple of dances with him, he’s a great lead and very easy to dance with. The first dance or two felt strange, again I literally only ever danced with my (ex) partner over the years, and you get quite used to the one style.

Then everything was fine, I just got into the groove and started to feel relaxed and happy. I danced with lots of different guys, some friends from my classes, others I didn’t know. Some were great leads, some not so much.

In amongst all this I’ve had a few guys slip into my DMs or call me over Messenger as they’d seen or heard about my FB post re the breakup. Asking me to go out for drinks or catch up for a night out. Sigh! Calm down lads, I’m not up for dating anyone at the moment and sheesh, talk about giving a girl time to get over a breakup. That’s a hard no!

On Saturday. I woke early, feeling happy and relaxed. I walked Georgie-boy at the park, had breakfast (avo on toast and coffee). I have my first gym session at 9.45 and another one at 1pm. In between, I’m writing this blog post and chatting with my daughter over Messenger and on the phone (we’re catching up tomorrow for brunch).

First gym session was a Balance Class. That one I really love. A mix of yoga and Pilates. How can you not smile when doing Happy Warrior II pose? It makes me feel strong, powerful and lightweight in my strength. We always end with a relaxation session and a heart chakra pose. I always leave feeling blissful, flexible, and happy.

Link https://www.yogajournal.com/poses/warrior-ii-pose/

I bought my coffee and some flowers on the way home.

flowers in a vase

Little bit more housework this afternoon, wash the doggo and then I’ll head to another dance this evening. I’ll go with Helen again, but this time she’ll be driving and definitely no twinning our dresses tonight!

Sunday

Dance last night was awesome! My dance card was full, I barely left the dance floor!

Woke up happy and relaxed again this morning. Took the dog to the park, he’s loving the extra walks. Went to church to reflect and found peace.

I feel as though I have stepped back into my own life. Have you ever been with someone and felt as though you have been inserted into their life and consequently lost touch with your own? I allowed it to happen, but it is a massive relief to feel back to myself again.

My daughter came over later in the morning and we ended up going out for brunch at a café by the river. So nice to see and spend time with her, she’s amazing, kind, considerate, loving, smart and just the best daughter!

Then this afternoon my dance classes started up again for 2023. I’ve been really looking forward to them starting up. It’s a bit later this year, it’s usually mid-January, so it’s been a bit of a hiatus.

And OMG! It was brilliant! So great to see everyone and my dance teachers, lots of new students too. Two hours of classes and some line dancing afterwards. I felt a bit sad at first, then got into the swing of it all and just had fun and laughs! Nice to feel light-hearted enough to laugh!

All in all, I’d say weekend #1 was a success. Sure, there were moments of sadness and missing him. But making the effort to go out and see people, dance and socialize and have fun really helped me get through this first difficult time.

I’m going to be ok. I have so much love and support around me, I am truly blessed.

Credit for living my best life image – http://www.redbubble.com/people/ohya

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Breakups!
Relationships

Breakups!

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How to build resilience during/after a relationship breakup…

My relationship of 3 and 1/2 years recently hit the skids. Unfortunate and kinda sad, but such is life!

I did not instigate the breakup, I’m more a person who likes to take time to figure things out and try to resolve any tensions. Oh well.

Anyway, this post is about building resilience, it’s how I deal with traumatic life events and what works for me. Take what resonates and leave the rest if it does not.

First up. Do not wallow in self pity. Sure it’s tempting to rock in the corner sobbing over a container of Ben & Jerry’s or sit hugging a bottle of wine. However, that really does not help. Not at all. You might think it’s comforting, but it’s not. You only end up having a pity party for one and feeling even more crap!

Pick yourself up and take care of yourself. You are important, you are valued and you have to look after yourself.

I think relationship breakups send us into a state of shock and you feel somewhat unmoored and adrift in life. What once was there has suddenly gone and you are left reeling.

As you know from earlier posts, I am big on exercise and healthy eating. It helps with my physical and emotional well-being. Therefore, when life throws me a curve ball, I ramp it all up.

Literally.

1. Exercise

I spend more time at the gym. Seriously, you cannot wallow or worry if you are lifting weights and doing endless squats and lunges. Ramping up your exercise regimen is a good thing. You feel strong and powerful and your mind is very much focused on the next move. I also have a lot of friends at the gym and I love my instructors, it’s such a supportive and social environment. If the gym is not your thing, increase whatever it is you do for exercise, take longer walks, swim further, dance more! Trust me, it helps a lot.

2. Eat healthy and well

Next, I make sure that my 95%-ish plan of eating healthy food, increases to 100%. Good, healthy, nutritious food not only nourishes your body, it is giving your mind and emotions the wherewithal to stay on an even keel. You are also performing an act of self-love. Preparing and cooking beautiful meals helps with the healing process.

3. Avoid the wine

Stay away from alcohol. It’s a depressant. It alters your brain chemistry and can make you more sad and/or depressed. Just give it a miss for a while, you will feel better about yourself.

4. Connect with your social network

Spend time with your support network. My family love me and are unconditionally supportive. I have a wide network of friends that I have built over the years. I have friends from the dance community, the gym, friends I run with and friends I’ve known for years that I hang with and chat and laugh together. I am there for them in the good times and the bad and I know I can call on them in my times of need and they are there without question, offering tea, a shoulder to cry on, hugs and love. I feel honoured to be surrounded with love.

5. Don’t stay home – go out!

Accept those offers, go out, even if you don’t really feel like it. It’s important to keep up your social life and not sit at home feeling sad and blue. A lovely friend of mine has invited me to a party this evening, he often has casual get togethers with other people I know and some I don’t. I will be there. This weekend there are a couple of dances on and for sure I will be there dancing up a storm. It’s what I love and makes me feel happy.

6. Listen to uplifting music

Do not play those sad ballads, they will just bring you down and make you cry. Find a list of happy songs (whatever genre you prefer) or those breakup songs that are empowering. A couple to consider are GRL Ugly Heart, Lizzo’s Good as Hell, Taylor Swift’s Shake it Off. My current and all time favourite is Miley’s current and perfect breakup song Flowers – this one for sure you can play on repeat! It’s powerful and will help you reclaim your power!!

6. Moving forward

Yes, life will feel strange and different for a while. It’s a jolt to have been in a deeply intimate relationship with another human and then it suddenly ends. There’s really nothing you can do to change that. Do not text. Do not call. Do not stalk their social media. Mute them on socials or block if the breakup was unpleasant and the chance of a friendship developing has a snowballs chance in hell. Focus on yourself, your needs and keep moving forward one step and one day at a time. Soon enough the uncomfortable feelings will dissipate, you will find hours, then days when they do not enter your thoughts at all. And then, one day not too far in the future you will feel absolutely fine.

And as Miley says “I can love me better than you can”. Brb, just stepping out to buy myself some flowers, then go dancing!

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Self Care
health and fitness

Self Care

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In a hectic world…

…it is important to prioritize self care. It’s easy enough to forget and not focus on the things that nourish our mind, spirit and well-being.

Whether life is going well or you are in a difficult space, try to remember to be mindful that you need to be kind to yourself.

Sure, if life is tricky and you really feel you need to, then eat that ice-cream or chomp that chocolate. But then do something kind and gentle for yourself. Eat the healthy meal first, take a walk, meditate, go for a run or a swim, catch up with a friend or family member.

I aim to do a little meditation practice on most days. I keep up my exercise regimen and ramp up my healthy eating when I feel I’ve lost control of my world. In times of stress your body and mind are negatively impacted (and I’m not talking about “good” stress, which in itself can be motivating). I’m talking about those times when you hit a rough patch and you cannot quite see the way clear.

By caring for yourself you give yourself the space to reflect upon your situation and clarify your thoughts and understand what has or is happening and what you can do or if you just have to sit still for a bit or let go.

I came across an interesting take on meditation which is the concept of “sending and taking”. With each in breath we take in someone’s pain, with each out breath, we send them relief. It’s a form of focusing on others which then has the effect of increasing our compassion for others and ourselves. Here’s a link for you to read more about this practice.

Self-care is important for all the reasons I have outlined. However getting too caught up in our own thoughts and issues can be counterproductive. Hence, my resonating with this form of meditation. Look after yourself and be kind and compassionate to yourself and others ❤️

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