toxic relationships – 60plus and loving life

Love Doesn’t Leave You Traumatized: Understanding the Difference

By 60plus&lovinglife March 28, 2024 0

In the journey of love, it’s not uncommon to encounter experiences that leave scars on our hearts.

However, it’s essential to recognize that true love doesn’t leave you traumatized. Whatever happened to you was not love; it was something else entirely.

Love is meant to uplift, empower, and nurture us. It’s a force that brings out the best in us, encourages growth, and fosters a deep sense of connection.

But when we find ourselves in situations that leave us feeling broken, hurt, and traumatized, it’s crucial to understand that it wasn’t love at play.

So, what exactly happened?

Often, what we perceive as love is a distorted version of it – a toxic relationship, an abusive dynamic, or a one-sided affair.

These experiences can leave lasting scars, affecting our self-worth, confidence, and ability to trust again. But it’s essential to remember that these experiences were not a reflection of love but rather a distortion of it.

True love is built on a foundation of respect, trust, and mutual understanding. It’s about honoring each other’s boundaries, supporting one another’s dreams, and being there through the highs and lows of life.

It’s about seeing each other for who we truly are and accepting each other unconditionally.

When love is genuine, it doesn’t leave you feeling traumatized. Instead, it helps you heal, grow, and become the best version of yourself.

It’s a source of strength and comfort, a sanctuary in a world filled with chaos and uncertainty.

If you’ve been through a traumatic experience in the name of love, it’s essential to seek healing and support.

Surround yourself with people who uplift and empower you, and don’t be afraid to seek professional help if needed. Remember that you deserve to be loved in a way that honors and respects you – anything less is not love.

As you navigate your journey of healing, remember that true love exists, and it’s worth waiting for.

It may take time to find the right person who cherishes and values you, but when you do, it will be worth the wait.

Love shouldn’t leave you traumatized; it should leave you feeling cherished, valued, and whole.

So, hold onto hope, believe in the power of love, and never settle for anything less than you deserve.

You are worthy of a love that lifts you up, supports you, and brings you joy – don’t ever forget that.

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Navigating Red Flags in Relationships: A Guide to Recognizing, Responding, and Prioritizing Self-Love

By 60plus&lovinglife November 30, 2023February 29, 2024 0

I have talked about “red flag” behaviour in previous relationships in previous blog posts. I’ve discussed how sometimes it was subtle to begin with, then the gaslighting, lying, emotional manipulation and controlling behavior increased over time and how you always end up second guessing yourself.

I have gained a lot of self-awareness from these previous toxic connections and learned how to recognize red flags, ensure that I set clear boundaries and prioritize self-care.

Because I have experienced this type of behaviour and I know for sure many people are dealing with toxic relationships that I will share my personal experiences with you all and shine a light on how to identify and deal with “red flag” behavior.

Relationships are not always smooth sailing. While we often find ourselves basking in the honeymoon phase, it’s crucial to remain vigilant for signs of potential trouble. Red flag behaviors in relationships can be elusive, sometimes only surfacing later down the track. As someone who has navigated the complexities of relationships, I understand the importance of recognizing these red flags and taking decisive action to ensure your well-being.

Identifying Red Flag Behavior:

It’s not uncommon for red flags to remain hidden in the initial stages of a relationship. As excitement and infatuation take center stage, we may overlook subtle signs of concerning behavior. It’s vital to cultivate self-awareness and pay attention to changes in your partner’s conduct. Common red flags include:

Controlling Behavior: If your partner exhibits a need for control over various aspects of your life, it may be a cause for concern. This could manifest in decisions both big and small, from what you wear to who you spend time with.
Isolation Tactics: Be wary if your partner actively discourages you from spending time with friends and family. Healthy relationships encourage independence and personal growth, rather than isolation.
Lack of Communication: Open and honest communication is the foundation of any successful relationship. If your partner consistently avoids discussing important matters or becomes defensive when approached, it’s a red flag.
Manipulative Tactics: Manipulation can take many forms, from guilt-tripping to gaslighting. If you find yourself questioning your own reality or feeling emotionally drained, it’s crucial to address these manipulative behaviors.

Responding to Red Flags

When red flags appear on the horizon, it’s essential to respond proactively. Ignoring or rationalizing concerning behavior can lead to more significant challenges in the future. Here are some steps to consider:

Trust Your Instincts: Your intuition is a powerful guide. If something doesn’t feel right, trust your instincts. Acknowledge your feelings and take them seriously.
Open Communication: Share your concerns with your partner in a calm and assertive manner. Healthy relationships thrive on communication, and addressing issues early can prevent escalation.
Establish Boundaries: Clearly define your boundaries and communicate them to your partner. If these boundaries are disrespected, it may be a sign that the relationship is not built on mutual respect.
Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out to trusted friends and family. Discussing your concerns with those who care about you can provide valuable perspectives and emotional support.

Prioritizing Self-Love and Safety

Above all, remember that you are worthy of love and respect. It’s essential to prioritize your well-being and recognize when a relationship may not be serving your best interests. Here are some key considerations:

Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your needs, values, and goals. A healthy relationship should contribute positively to your life and personal growth.
Know Your Worth: Understand that you deserve love and kindness from a partner. Settling for less than you deserve can lead to long-term emotional harm.
Seek Professional Help if Needed: If red flags persist and your safety is at risk, consider seeking professional help. Therapists, counselors, and support groups can provide guidance and assistance.

Navigating red flag behaviors in relationships requires courage, self-awareness, and a commitment to personal well-being. Drawing from personal experience, I encourage everyone to prioritize self-love, trust their instincts, and seek support when needed. Remember, you deserve a relationship built on mutual respect, kindness, and understanding.

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Dancing in Love: Breaking Free from Walking on Eggshells

By 60plus&lovinglife September 28, 2023February 29, 2024 0

Love, they say, is like dancing to your favorite song, where every step feels harmonious and free. It’s a rhythm that resonates deep within, igniting joy, warmth, and a sense of security.

But sometimes, we find ourselves in relationships where the dance turns into a delicate balancing act—a constant tiptoeing on eggshells to keep the peace.

I’ve walked that tightrope before, where every word and action had to be carefully measured to avoid setting off an unpredictable storm of anger and retribution. It was a relationship that left me feeling trapped, unheard, and unloved.

In one of my previous relationships, I often felt like a prisoner of my own emotions. I had to suppress my thoughts and feelings, fearing the repercussions of expressing myself honestly.

Walking on eggshells became the norm, and the weight of that constant vigilance left me emotionally drained and disconnected.

No one should ever have to feel they have to walk on eggshells in a relationship. Love should be a sanctuary, a place where you can be your authentic self without fear of judgment or punishment. It should inspire growth, trust, and open communication.

It is possible to find love that embraces vulnerability, where we can share our hopes, dreams, fears, and insecurities without judgment or reprisal. It’s a love that encourages us to be the best versions of ourselves.

Love is not about being controlled or manipulated. It’s about lifting each other up, celebrating our individuality, and nurturing a connection based on respect, trust, and genuine care. It’s about feeling safe to express ourselves and knowing that our partner will genuinely listen to and support us.

I’ve learned that a loving relationship should never be about keeping the peace at the cost of one’s own happiness. It should be about fostering an environment where both partners can flourish, express themselves freely, and feel loved unconditionally.

Now, I dance through life with a heart full of joy and gratitude. There are no eggshells to tiptoe around, no fear of anger or retribution.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you feel the need to walk on eggshells, I want you to know that you deserve better. You have the right to seek a love that inspires dancing, not caution. Genuine love is out there, waiting for you to embrace it—a love that respects, cherishes, and celebrates the beautiful person you are.

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flying monkeys & other bullies…

By 60plus&lovinglife August 13, 2023 0

Hello my loyal readers🥰

I hope you’re having a wonderful week. Isn’t it glorious when you are surrounded by peaceful, calm and loving people? Life is beautiful ❤️I am so blessed and feeling full of love and gratitude. My life is going well, my health is improving, my relationship is loving and I am so lucky we found each other!

Unfortunately, some folk just can’t let go and keep on being bullies! It is a sad reflection on them and I would like to send them healing vibes. Blessings be upon them and may they find it within their hearts to be kinder and more decent humans.

An earlier blog post was in response to hateful comments I have received, which of course led to another nasty response. Big surprise there (not)😂

They do not give their name and always use a fake email address – but they do name people, so I make sure I do not publish their comments for privacy & confidentiality reasons.

The anonymity and fake email addresses are cowardly. Put your name to your comments and stop hiding behind your keyboard! Stop lurking behind the shadows and come out into the light little flying monkey – I know who you are!🐒

In addition, there is one of my exes who always uses his real name and email address and his comments are wild! Again, I won’t publish them as they are hateful & full of unhinged vitriol – but I have kept them and shown them to the people I love and who care about me.

I shall address the latest flying monkey comment here:

My blog is written from my lived experience. It does not relate to any one person, it flows from experiences I have had throughout my life.

Your attributing them to one person is baffling. You are commenting on matters to which you were not privy and therefore you do not know what you are talking about.

You then made an obscure reference about a conversation I was having with a friend in the ladies bathroom one time which I wrote about in another blog post (well done for being a loyal reader!). However, you forgot to mention that the conversation related to my cancer diagnosis.

The “unwanted” interaction in the bathroom was from a few months ago. It was from a lady who came out of one of the stalls and decided it was ok to tell me what I should do about having cancer – here’s the link to the blog post where I talk about the incident.

As well meaning as some people are, it really is not helpful getting advice from all and sundry when you are dealing with cancer. Trust me, I’ve had some weird and wacky suggestions!

I prefer to take my advice from my specialists and treatment team.

Anyway, before you put your fingers to your keyboard again to send me yet another (unwanted and unwarranted) piece of diatribe, get your facts straight. Better yet, shut up and go away!🐒

Peace and love y’all✌️

main image credit:ElvireStudio

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Love & Intimacy

By 60plus&lovinglife June 19, 2023February 29, 2024 0

Spoiler alert and warning. This post is about sex. There, you’ve been warned. Read on if you want, scroll by if you don’t.

Have you ever felt that your sexual needs are not being met? That your partner (or ex-partner in my case!) is prioritising their own needs over yours? That you are left lying there every time thinking “what about me?” This can happen to any of us, young or older! But it doesn’t have to be like that, trust me, it really does not!

Conversely, what is it like to meet someone with whom you are so sexually attuned that the lovemaking feels exquisite and deeply & mutually pleasurable? What is it like to be with a man who genuinely values your sexual needs and desires and who gains pleasure from your pleasure? It’s mind-blowing. Read on for two completely different experiences – these are my stories, this has happened to me. You may resonate with one or the other or both. I hope the second story is also your story – you deserve to be loved and valued!

Storytime #1 (this is the sad & bad one):

I had a partner one time (who shall remain nameless, mostly because mentioning his name makes me feel physically and psychically ill). He was THE most sexually selfish man I ever had the misfortune to meet (in retrospect all I can say is “what in the actual was I thinking?” Whilst shaking my head in puzzlement.)

Not only was he unbelievably & utterly selfish, he also used to mock and belittle me when I dared to ask if we could focus on my sexual pleasure, making me feel like there was something wrong with me for asking, the disdain in his voice was demoralizing. His standard response was a cold and callous “do it yourself.”

His favourite position was to brusquely push me over on my side with my back towards him. He literally preferred not to see my face. He also (I kid you not) told me to pretend I was asleep – aka unconscious). He literally did not want me to be engaged in the activity. This is repulsive on so many levels.

I had never in my entire life come across such a selfish, weird, and verging on creepy request. Think about it, “pretend you are asleep”. Do not move, do not make a noise, act like you are not even there. What kind of man thinks that is ok? It is dehumanizing.

Basically, I was not required to be part of things as a living, breathing woman. I could have been anyone or anything.

It all ended badly as these types of one-sided relationships do. Looking back I cannot believe I did not bail at the get-go!

Someone who discounts your humanity in the most intimate and (supposedly) loving of moments is not someone you should keep in your life. Yet pity the poor woman next in line. Because it is a never-ending line of interchangeable women with these types of selfish men.

Let’s move on shall we? This next part is to let you know that it is possible to find someone who is genuine, compassionate, caring, loving and considerate. Never give up and never put up with poor treatment! I have had great lovers too!

Storytime #2 Embracing Bliss: The Empowering Joys of Intimacy with a Caring and Loving Partner

As a woman, the journey of discovering pleasure and intimacy is a deeply personal and empowering experience. I speak from my personal perspective, however I believe that men equally are empowered by such discovery. I have had a partner who was not only loving but also considerate of my needs as I was considerate of his. This has opened the door to a world of exquisite joy and fulfillment. I want to share the joys I have experienced as a woman, embracing the profound connection and empowerment that comes with having sex with a caring and loving partner who cherishes and respects my desires.

A Safe Haven of Trust and Understanding:

Intimacy is a sacred space, it is a safe haven of trust and understanding. Having both our needs acknowledged and respected has built a foundation of trust between us, allowing both of us to surrender to the moment with ease and vulnerability. Knowing that my partner prioritizes my comfort, consent, and pleasure creates an environment where we can freely express ourselves, both physically and emotionally.

Open Communication – The Key to Mind-Blowing Pleasure:

Open communication between partners is the key to unlocking mind-blowing pleasure. Having a caring and loving partner who actively listens to my desires, ensuring that my needs are met is an absolute joy. He has the capacity to communicate his own desires as well, which fosters an environment where exploration and experimentation are welcomed. This level of open communication has not only enhanced our physical pleasure, but it has also strengthened the emotional bond between us.

Exploring the Spectrum of Sensations:

Having a caring partner who understands that our pleasure encompasses a wide spectrum of sensations is absolutely glorious! We both take the time to explore each other’s bodies, finding the touch, caress, or kiss that ignites an electrifying response and oh my goodness, does it ever!

An Intimate Connection Beyond the Physical:

The intimacy shared with a caring and loving partner extends far beyond the physicality of it all. The tender moments that follow, basking in the afterglow, are a testament to the emotional connection we have nurtured with each other. It is during this time that we share whispered words, gentle caresses, and nurturing embraces, strengthening the bond we share. This then becomes a sanctuary of love, tenderness, and emotional intimacy, a place of care, a safe haven.

Self-Discovery and Empowerment:

Through the loving and considerate touch we offer each other, we have embarked on a journey of self-discovery and empowerment. This newfound sense of agency extends beyond the bedroom, empowering both of us in all aspects of life. It reminds us that our pleasure matters, and we are deserving of love, respect, and fulfillment. Because we are and so are you!

As a woman, experiencing the joys of intimacy with a caring and loving partner who is considerate of my needs has been a transformative and empowering journey. It has taught me the value of trust, open communication, and self-discovery. It has allowed me to embrace my sensuality, celebrate my body, and find empowerment in expressing my desires.

May we all find partners who cherish, respect, and elevate our experiences, unlocking the boundless joy and fulfillment that lie within the realm of a truly caring and loving connection.

image:sparrowandsnow

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Be the lighthouse!

By 60plus&lovinglife March 29, 2023 0

I was out for an 8km walk today, the day after my surgery (more on that in my next post and yes my surgeon said I can walk for miles!).

Whilst out walking (and when I go for my runs) is when I do my best thinking. My mind is clear and open to thoughts and ideas and I was composing this post as I was walking by the foreshore.

I’ve often said to people that I cannot understand why people that have suffered hurt or trauma in their lives inflict it on other people in their lives. It really has baffled me.

I have had hurt and trauma inflicted upon me, including childhood abuse and a couple of seriously toxic relationships as an adult.

However, I make it my life’s effort never to knowingly hurt another human being and if I do so unintentionally I will always own it and give a heartfelt apology and make amends. I choose to be this way as I know what it is to feel emotional pain and I do not want anyone else to feel that pain at my expense.

Unfortunately, I have had a couple of emotionally unhealthy relationships. One was with the MOST narcissistic, toxic man I have ever had the misfortune to come across.

I am no victim. I do not enter relationships with the aim of changing or fixing the other person. However, I have built an enormous tolerance for emotional pain and that has not held me in good stead for looking after my emotional well-being when I have connected with an emotionally abusive man.

I recently came across a life-coach who said the following which really resonated with me:

“There is a saying that is very true, but multiple things can be true at once…hurt people do hurt people. That’s a fact. I’ve felt that, I’m sure you have. But you want to know what else is a fact? That genuine people hold space for others. Safe people that worked really hard to become so safe with themselves and others. They shelter those who do not feel safe. Lighthouses, people who are lighthouses, I’m sure you’ve found one before in your life, I know I have. I am absolutely a lighthouse and I love being one. Lighthouses shine light for others. I hope that this helps shift your perspective, because although hurt people do hurt people, you can become shelter for those who need it.”

@heather.powell.coaching

So there you have it. The puzzle for me is no longer a puzzle. Be a lighthouse. I know I am. I have also found my lighthouse. A man who genuinely cares about the safe space he has in my life and I in his. A man who wishes to cause no harm to me and is the shelter for me as I am for him.

Image credit: @Ravenwolf

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no, I don’t have to smile!

By 60plus&lovinglife March 26, 2023 0

But seriously, don’t you hate it when people tell you to smile? Don’t get me wrong, a nice smile is always uplifting and lovely to see. Preferably a genuine smile, not a big, fake, shark-toothed grimacey smile!

I used to be in a relationship one-upon-a-time with a man who always had a go at me when I didn’t constantly smile. I had to smile so much when we were out that my face ached. 😂

We’d be out dancing and I would be having a lovely time, enjoying the music, the dancing, being with friends. Then, all the sudden he’d glare at me and in a furious whisper say “try to look like you’re enjoying yourself and smile.”

Well ok then, I was enjoying myself, thinking all was fine and dandy. But no, apparently my face was out of line! So I would plaster a ridiculous circus grin (think painted on clown smile) for the rest of the evening so as to avoid the man getting into a shitty mood and turning frosty on me for the next few hours or days. It was just more of his controlling behavior. I saw it for what it was, however it still had an impact on me and would make me feel a bit low for a while.

Mind you, ofttimes he would either do the fakey/fakey smile at people, but mostly he had a face like a slapped arse. Anger does that to your face – it leaves that calling card of “you are not a nice person” etched onto your features.

Anyways. That’s all in the past – there is the occasional man at dance class who tells myself and other women to “smile more.” I just nod politely and say “no problem, when you show me your pretty smile, I’ll show you mine.” That usually leaves them jaw hanging in surprise.

How many times do guys tell other guys to smile? They don’t.

It’s just plain rude. Stop telling us to smile – we will if we want, we will if we feel like it.

My daughter said that in the feature pic above, I have a certain elegance in not smiling. She’s not wrong 🥰

I’m also loving my new lbd!

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the cheaters and the liars…

By 60plus&lovinglife March 23, 2023 0

As a woman who has been around the block a time or two, I thought I had seen it all. But the one thing that always surprises me is how many men cheat on their partners.

It’s no secret that infidelity is a major issue in many relationships. But why do so many men cheat, even when they seem to have it all?

First, let’s look at the reasons why men cheat. Often, it’s not just about sex. Many men cheat because they feel emotionally disconnected from their partners or they feel they are losing control over the relationship and seek control elsewhere. For others it’s their sense of entitlement – they can and will do whatever they please, regardless of the consequences or the pain they will cause.

Whatever the reason, cheating is never acceptable. It’s painful, damaging, and can lead to the breakdown of a relationship. If you suspect your partner is cheating, it’s important to address the issue head-on.

I also speak from experience; I have had at least two cheating partners (that I know of 😂). One of them literally gave me the heads up at the get go. Now if that’s not a 🚩 I don’t know what is!

Early on, he was happy to tell me about all his dating, relationship, and sexual conquests and proud of himself too – thought he was quite the lad! And, woo, were there some doozies in all of those stories.

One that stood out was that towards the end of a long-term relationship he cheated on his then partner. He was drinking alone in a bar and a woman he didn’t know asked him to buy her a drink. He did and then she asked if he lived alone (note, she didn’t ask if he was single, just if he lived alone). Which he did and confirmed that he lived alone. He didn’t bother to mention the long-term relationship he was in. He took bar woman home to his place for a romp in the hay.

Then he broke up with his long-term girlfriend. But get this, he never admitted he cheated and that’s why he was ending things. He lied and told his girlfriend it was her fault that they were done.

That literally sent chills down my spine. That poor woman, to this day, still thinks he blames her for the breakup or that it was something that she did wrong. She has no idea that he was a cheating scumbag who lied to her.

You might well ask that knowing that, why did I get involved with him? All I can say is that there is no accounting for stupid🤷

Unsurprisingly, in the end he cheated on me as well.

Now, let’s talk about how to prevent cheating in the first place. Here are a few tips to bear in mind:

Keep communication open: Make sure you’re talking to your partner regularly, and that they feel safe and comfortable talking to you too. Be honest and transparent, and don’t be afraid to express your feelings.
Strengthen your emotional connection: Make time for each other and do things that bring you closer together. Show your partner that they are valued and appreciated.
Be aware of warning signs: If your partner is suddenly distant or secretive, or sexual intimacy is gone or infrequent, it’s important to address the issue. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and look for clues that something may be wrong.
Seek help if necessary: If your relationship is struggling, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. A therapist can help you work through your issues and communicate better with each other.

Remember, cheating is never the answer. If you’re in a committed relationship, it’s important to stay true to your partner and work together to build a stronger, healthier relationship. By keeping communication open, valuing each other, and seeking help, if necessary, you can prevent cheating and build a strong, lasting connection.

And if all of that does not work, then pick up your courage and dignity and walk away. Your self-respect and emotional well-being are important. Don’t settle for the liars and the cheaters. Walk away, start anew, have faith and surround yourself with family and friends who genuinely love and care about you. You got this!

image credit: Dion Kalen facebook.com/artbykalen

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Coercive Control

By 60plus&lovinglife March 16, 2023March 21, 2023 0

As I sit down to write this blog post, I am filled with a sense of sadness and frustration. Coercive control is a serious issue that affects countless individuals – particularly women – in their relationships. It is a form of abuse that can be difficult to identify and escape from, and it’s a topic that deserves our attention and discussion.

Coercive control involves using a combination of tactics to manipulate and intimidate a partner into submission. These tactics can include emotional manipulation, financial control, physical violence, and threats of harm to oneself or others. The abuser seeks to exert complete domination over their partner, often isolating them from family and friends and controlling every aspect of their life.

This type of abuse is insidious because it often occurs gradually over time, making it difficult for the victim to recognize what is happening. The abuser may use subtle language or behaviors that make the victim feel guilty, powerless, or worthless. Eventually, the victim may begin to doubt their own thoughts and emotions, thinking that they are the problem.

But let me tell you something: you are not the problem. No one deserves to be treated in such a way. Coercive control is a form of domestic violence, and there are resources available to help you escape it.

If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control, there are steps you can take. Seek out the support of trusted family and friends, or consider reaching out to a domestic violence hotline or organization. They can provide resources and guidance on how to safely leave the relationship and start rebuilding your life.

Remember that coercive control is a serious issue that requires attention and action. No one deserves to live in fear or be controlled by someone else. It’s never too late to seek help and break free from the cycle of abuse.

As we continue to navigate through the challenges of life, let us be mindful of those around us. Let us offer ourselves as support systems for anyone who may be experiencing coercive control. Let us listen without judgment and offer guidance where we can. And above all, let us never forget that we are all worthy of love and respect – no matter what.

Disclaimer: This blog post is not about any one individual. It is written about a topical issue that impacts many women and to empower women in their lives.

Image credit: Creative Chand

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Communication in relationships – when it’s good and when it’s not

By 60plus&lovinglife March 13, 2023March 21, 2023 2

Healthy communication in a relationship is very much that. “We’ll figure it out together”.

The ability to calmly talk through any issues that may arise together. That’s not to say that there won’t be times when you get annoyed with each other or upset about something your partner says or does. However, if you have a healthy relationship and healthy communication behaviour, you can figure most things out together and feel good about yourself and your partner.

There is no need for raised voices, shouting, name-calling or other poor behaviours such as giving someone the “silent treatment” or acting cold and distant. All of that? That is emotional abuse.

Storytime

This example is from a previous relationship I was in and I share it here, so that if anyone recognizes a similar pattern within their relationship, then you will know that it is not ok – it is abusive.

I won’t say when the relationship was in my life or who it was with – but they know. They read my blog and recognised themselves (and um, if they recognize themselves, then they have recognized the truth). They have left nasty comments on a previous post. No problem, that’s why “delete” exists! However, I will not be silenced.

Have you ever started a conversation with someone and realized that they are not hearing what you are saying? I don’t mean that they cannot hear your words or voice, but that they are participating in a completely different conversation in their head.

I was opening a conversation with my then partner on a matter that was worrying me. It wasn’t about them; it was about me, a concern I had regarding a possible scenario in a public context that I was worried may play out. My aim in bringing it up was to air my concern, seek reassurance and ease my worry. I thought I was in a safe space to talk about it.

Instead, my partner started getting defensive and argumentative about the unlikeliness of my worry actually playing out. Which is fine, but I watched his face morph from warm to cold and closed. I realized that he thought I was somehow criticizing him, but I was baffled as to why.

All that evening and the entirety of the next day he barely spoke to me. Only “yes” or “no” if I asked a direct question i.e. “would you like coffee?” Otherwise, he ignored me completely. And this was in my home.

That evening I plucked up the courage to broach the issue. He was lying on my bed reading (and ignoring me as he had done all day). I sat down and asked him to tell me why he was so angry and how could we fix it.

He started screaming at me and calling me names. When he stopped, I asked him to tell me what he thought he had heard me say the previous evening and when he finally did tell me, he attributed words and context to my conversation that literally never happened or were never actually spoken.

He had spent the day bottled up in his anger and replaying the conversation and over and over and catastrophizing the whole dialogue.

I talked him through it and explained again my rationale in what I was trying to say, that clearly it didn’t come across particularly well and that it had triggered in him an anger that was all consuming. I eventually talked him off the ledge of his anger and he calmed down.

But to get there, to a place where he stopped screaming at me and calling me nasty names took an enormous emotional toll from me. I am ashamed to say that this was not the first time he had lost his shit and screamed and yelled at me, backed me into a corner, given me the cold shoulder and/or the silent treatment for days at a time. But like many of you, I tried to rationalize the behaviour. Don’t.

I asked him (and not for the first time) why he resorted to calling me nasty names as it is hurtful as I would never say such things to him as I would not like to cause him pain. His response? “Good, I’m glad you’re hurt.” That comment. Those words. I had already known I had to leave this unhealthy relationship, but knowing that he was genuinely happy that I felt hurt, that is next level and sent chills down my spine.

When someone is that enraged, cortisol floods your body in response to fear. Cortisol is the “fight or flight” hormone and is triggered in high stress situations. It’s not good for your body to be producing high levels of cortisol on a regular basis. Read more about it here (click the link).

One of my last and lingering memories of this man is him lying on my bed, his face set in an ugly rictus of rage, screaming abuse and vitriol at me. When I reflect, he actually looked quite unhinged. Not long afterwards the entire relationship imploded. Unsurprisingly. But every single day I am grateful that it ended. I wake with joy each and every day knowing that this person is no longer in my life.

My message to you is this – do not tolerate this type of behaviour. Recognize it for what it is, emotional abuse, and make every effort to leave. This was not a regular disagreement or minor spat. This was a pattern of damaging behaviour that impacted on my emotional well-being and my physical health as well.

Run, don’t walk.

Reach out if you need to talk or need help.

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Tag Archives toxic relationships

Spoiler alert and warning. This post is about sex. There, you’ve been warned. Read on if you want, scroll by if you don’t.

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