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…and forgive those who trespass against us
Relationships

…and forgive those who trespass against us

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It is important to forgive. The best way to move forward in life is to forgive those who either intentionally or unintentionally hurt us. There is actual research to support this concept – click this link from the Mayo Clinic to read about the benefits of forgiveness.

“By embracing forgiveness, you also can embrace peace and hope” I love that quote. I aim for a peaceful life and I remain optimistic, often in the face of challenging situations. That allows me to have hope for the future and to always move forwards in life.

Forgiveness does not mean you accept another’s poor behaviour. It’s not about them, it’s about yourself and letting go of the pain that holds you back.

Benefits of forgiveness include:

  • Healthier relationships.
  • Improved mental health.
  • Less anxiety, stress and hostility.
  • Fewer symptoms of depression.
  • Lower blood pressure.
  • A stronger immune system.
  • Improved heart health.
  • Improved self-esteem.

Here is a good mantra you can try if you’ve ever been in a toxic relationship:

I can honestly say that I forgive you. I forgive the hurt you caused me, both intentional and possibly unintentional. I understand that you inflict emotional pain because of your insecurities and fears and long-held anger. I can forgive you and let it all go. By forgiving I can reclaim my peace of mind and feel a true sense of lightness and freedom.

I can also forgive myself for staying in that situation far longer than was healthy for my heart, mind and spirit.

That way you will release any hurt you are holding onto and be able to move forwards

 

 

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Jump back into the dating pond!
Relationships

Jump back into the dating pond!

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Dating apps

I thought I’d dip my toe in the dating world and see what or who is out there!

I met my last person at dancing. So jumping on an app is a little different, but could be fun. We’ll see.

I have some serious non-negotiables.

Must love dogs – one previous partner  pretended at first to like my dog, but quickly showed that he did not. Yeah, I know, a man who hates animals (and yes he did – all animals) should literally be yeeted out the door!

Non-smoker (again a previous partner lied and only admitted he smoked after I had already caught feelings for him, he promised he would never smoke around me – mmhmm…. that didn’t last long either!) I certainly won’t miss his smoke polluting my backyard! Again, should have yeeted long ago! What was I thinking?🤷

Someone closer to my age. I once dated a guy nearly 10 years older than me. He was far too old for me, it felt like he was almost from a whole different generation. And I know I’m generalizing here and not all older guys are like this (probably?) but the older/old ones tend to be a bit controlling. Life has to be on their terms and there is very little scope for a genuine and equal partnership.

So, I’ve downloaded one app to start with and I’ve been busily swiping and being swiped and I’ve opened up a couple of conversations. Don’t feel you only have to talk with one person at a time. Some conversations peter out after a few back and forths, others can go on and you either feel there may be a connection or find out there isn’t. It’s all ok, you are just figuring out who and what you want. Take it easy, take it slowly. There are some good ones there, but you do have to be on your guard and filter out the players, users and abusers!

Red flags to watch our for:

🚩Someone looking “for fun” – cool, if that’s for you too. But for sure the “for fun” lads are players.

🚩Someone who wants a woman who does not take herself “too seriously”. Generally, that means they will not respect you. Likely they are unreliable and not looking for a genuine commitment. There are better ways to express the concept of someone who has the capacity to laugh at themselves and appreciate another’s perspective.

🚩Someone who talks about their ex in a disrespectful manner. For example, “my ex is a psycho”. Major red flag . This indicates that they are not over them if they are still carrying anger about someone they broke up with a long time ago. Also, carrying that level of anger is damaging to themselves and ultimately will be damaging to you. They have no agency over their emotional baggage and you will end up trying to turn yourself upside down and inside out to ensure they do not compare you to their ex. But they will, the “ex as psycho” brigade generally don’t actually like women. Truly.

🚩Someone who “love bombs” you in the first message or so. For example, I matched with a cute guy who lived not too far away according to his profile. His first message, he straight up said he visits my town regularly (huh? so you don’t live near me? Then stop lying in your bio dude!). He thought I could be the “one”. Seriously? One message and I’m the one? mmhmm…. no, we haven’t even had a conversation, let alone met each other. He gave me his phone number and said he could not wait to meet me and start a relationship. Yeah, nah. Unmatch!

🚩Someone who says literally nothing in their bio. If they cannot be bothered writing about who they are and what they enjoy, then they won’t be putting much time or attention into getting to know you.

Relationship green flags

They have the capacity to express their emotions calmly and validate your emotions
They respect your boundaries

They don’t get angry over trivial matters

They have agency over their own emotions

They can manage their anger and not lose their shit when you disagree with them

They are not scared to apologize; and

They make you feel safe and valued

So there you have it. I’m in there looking for someone special. Life is too short (especially at my age!) to not try again and be optimistic. Take a chance, download that app, have a swipe or two and start chatting. You never know who you might meet!

Image courtesy of: Kaboompics.com

 

 

 

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It’s all about respect
Relationships

It’s all about respect

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Storytime

I’ve been reflecting on how one of my relationships ended. It ended abruptly and brutally. Writing about it is both painful and cathartic.

To be honest I think the relationship was lurching towards a finish anyway. I had thoughts off and on about ending it. Communication was not really healthy and I would regularly let things slide to keep the peace. There comes a time when you can’t just brush things aside and if you are feeling unhappy or disrespected and have no opportunity to work through it, then it feels like the only option is to move on.

My partner’s favourite expression was “the grass isn’t always greener”, whenever he referred to his feelings about me/our relationship or when he was annoyed with me. I felt uncomfortable with that sentiment. It was as if I was only kept around because the other options were somehow less appealing and not that our relationship was intrinsically important or that I as a human being was valued. Hearing that on a regular basis caused me a great deal of discomfort.

Towards the end we had been at odds with each other – not necessarily more or less than at any other time when we were in disagreement about things. This is not about who is right or who is wrong. There are elements and degrees of mutual responsibility when two people are in disharmony.

What this is about is basic respect for another human being.

My partner ended our long-term relationship in a message.

Not in a phone call. Not face-to-face in a difficult conversation.

But in a message.

That is absolutely and utterly disrespectful.

I know in the dating world there is a lot of that behaviour, I read and hear about it all the time.

However, when you have shared your life fully with a person for several years, regardless of what led to the breakdown, you do owe the other person the courtesy of ending things in a civilized and respectful manner. That is not negotiable. We have an obligation to behave like decent human beings towards each other.

Anyway, it’s all in the past and I hope that he found that lush, green grass he was seeking. I also hope he reflected upon his behaviour and did not take that level of disrespect into his next relationship!

respect people's feeling

Credit for colorful RESPECT image to Marco Verch – professional photographer – https://www.flickr.com/photos/30478819@N08/

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Breakups!
Relationships

Breakups!

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How to build resilience during/after a relationship breakup…

My relationship of 3 and 1/2 years recently hit the skids. Unfortunate and kinda sad, but such is life!

I did not instigate the breakup, I’m more a person who likes to take time to figure things out and try to resolve any tensions. Oh well.

Anyway, this post is about building resilience, it’s how I deal with traumatic life events and what works for me. Take what resonates and leave the rest if it does not.

First up. Do not wallow in self pity. Sure it’s tempting to rock in the corner sobbing over a container of Ben & Jerry’s or sit hugging a bottle of wine. However, that really does not help. Not at all. You might think it’s comforting, but it’s not. You only end up having a pity party for one and feeling even more crap!

Pick yourself up and take care of yourself. You are important, you are valued and you have to look after yourself.

I think relationship breakups send us into a state of shock and you feel somewhat unmoored and adrift in life. What once was there has suddenly gone and you are left reeling.

As you know from earlier posts, I am big on exercise and healthy eating. It helps with my physical and emotional well-being. Therefore, when life throws me a curve ball, I ramp it all up.

Literally.

1. Exercise

I spend more time at the gym. Seriously, you cannot wallow or worry if you are lifting weights and doing endless squats and lunges. Ramping up your exercise regimen is a good thing. You feel strong and powerful and your mind is very much focused on the next move. I also have a lot of friends at the gym and I love my instructors, it’s such a supportive and social environment. If the gym is not your thing, increase whatever it is you do for exercise, take longer walks, swim further, dance more! Trust me, it helps a lot.

2. Eat healthy and well

Next, I make sure that my 95%-ish plan of eating healthy food, increases to 100%. Good, healthy, nutritious food not only nourishes your body, it is giving your mind and emotions the wherewithal to stay on an even keel. You are also performing an act of self-love. Preparing and cooking beautiful meals helps with the healing process.

3. Avoid the wine

Stay away from alcohol. It’s a depressant. It alters your brain chemistry and can make you more sad and/or depressed. Just give it a miss for a while, you will feel better about yourself.

4. Connect with your social network

Spend time with your support network. My family love me and are unconditionally supportive. I have a wide network of friends that I have built over the years. I have friends from the dance community, the gym, friends I run with and friends I’ve known for years that I hang with and chat and laugh together. I am there for them in the good times and the bad and I know I can call on them in my times of need and they are there without question, offering tea, a shoulder to cry on, hugs and love. I feel honoured to be surrounded with love.

5. Don’t stay home – go out!

Accept those offers, go out, even if you don’t really feel like it. It’s important to keep up your social life and not sit at home feeling sad and blue. A lovely friend of mine has invited me to a party this evening, he often has casual get togethers with other people I know and some I don’t. I will be there. This weekend there are a couple of dances on and for sure I will be there dancing up a storm. It’s what I love and makes me feel happy.

6. Listen to uplifting music

Do not play those sad ballads, they will just bring you down and make you cry. Find a list of happy songs (whatever genre you prefer) or those breakup songs that are empowering. A couple to consider are GRL Ugly Heart, Lizzo’s Good as Hell, Taylor Swift’s Shake it Off. My current and all time favourite is Miley’s current and perfect breakup song Flowers – this one for sure you can play on repeat! It’s powerful and will help you reclaim your power!!

6. Moving forward

Yes, life will feel strange and different for a while. It’s a jolt to have been in a deeply intimate relationship with another human and then it suddenly ends. There’s really nothing you can do to change that. Do not text. Do not call. Do not stalk their social media. Mute them on socials or block if the breakup was unpleasant and the chance of a friendship developing has a snowballs chance in hell. Focus on yourself, your needs and keep moving forward one step and one day at a time. Soon enough the uncomfortable feelings will dissipate, you will find hours, then days when they do not enter your thoughts at all. And then, one day not too far in the future you will feel absolutely fine.

And as Miley says “I can love me better than you can”. Brb, just stepping out to buy myself some flowers, then go dancing!

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