Mindful March and what the heck is closure?

An interesting thing came across my radar today.

It’s “Mindful March” from the Action for Happiness website (click the link for more detail). It’s a downloadable and printable calendar that has a mindfulness reminder for every day.

I’ve downloaded the calendar and put it up on my fridge as a daily reminder for myself, I’ve even added it to my Google calendar on my phone in case I need a reminder during the day when I’m at work or out and about!

Today (March 4) is “notice how you speak to yourself, and choose to use kind words.”

It is too easy to be self-critical and speak poorly of oneself or have negative thoughts. I regularly hear friends berate themselves for something they feel they have done wrong (regardless of if they have or have not), or feel that they have caused to be done wrong to them.

If someone has done you dirty, that is entirely on them. Not you. Be kind to yourself and recognize that you are worthy of kindness and respect.

It reminds me of a friend of mine who recently went through a relationship breakup. Every time I see her she is wondering what she did wrong, she berates herself for her perceived failings. She is stuck in a spiral of regularly texting this man that left her and receiving no reply. She constantly states that she wants “closure”, she wants to understand what went wrong. She is stuck in a negative downward spiral of self-doubt, recrimination and sadness.

My feedback to her is to stop texting. Just stop. That she should block or delete his number from her phone. I have said that you cannot ask for “closure” from the person that has caused you pain. She literally wails that she must have closure.

The thing is – closure from a relationship breakdown is a myth. The person who broke it off is never the one you should reach out to for closure. The minute that person walked away from your life is when closure happened. It’s done and over.

What my friend wants is to understand. However, there are things in this life that we will never understand. We can only process our feelings and understand what it means to ourselves and from there move onwards into a new life. It is not easy and sometimes you may feel you are stumbling rather than progressing forwards, but you have to keep moving and trust me, it will get better.

My friend says that she wants to be like me. Strong and certain and with a clear forward focus. It’s lovely of her to say, but it’s not always easy for me either. I tell her that she does have that inner strength, she is an amazing woman worthy of love and kindness and more recently I have seen her smile and she said that she feels something has shifted within her in a good way. There is that glimmer of light that it will be ok for her.

For me? I am my mother’s fierce daughter. I have been forged in the fires of life’s trials. I always emerge at the other end stronger, more compassionate and having learned something valuable about life that I can take forward with me.

Be kind. To yourself and to others. And if someone does you dirty, do not blame yourself. It really was not you, it was them!