relationship breakdown – 60plus and loving life

the cheaters and the liars…

By 60plus&lovinglife March 23, 2023 0

As a woman who has been around the block a time or two, I thought I had seen it all. But the one thing that always surprises me is how many men cheat on their partners.

It’s no secret that infidelity is a major issue in many relationships. But why do so many men cheat, even when they seem to have it all?

First, let’s look at the reasons why men cheat. Often, it’s not just about sex. Many men cheat because they feel emotionally disconnected from their partners or they feel they are losing control over the relationship and seek control elsewhere. For others it’s their sense of entitlement – they can and will do whatever they please, regardless of the consequences or the pain they will cause.

Whatever the reason, cheating is never acceptable. It’s painful, damaging, and can lead to the breakdown of a relationship. If you suspect your partner is cheating, it’s important to address the issue head-on.

I also speak from experience; I have had at least two cheating partners (that I know of 😂). One of them literally gave me the heads up at the get go. Now if that’s not a 🚩 I don’t know what is!

Early on, he was happy to tell me about all his dating, relationship, and sexual conquests and proud of himself too – thought he was quite the lad! And, woo, were there some doozies in all of those stories.

One that stood out was that towards the end of a long-term relationship he cheated on his then partner. He was drinking alone in a bar and a woman he didn’t know asked him to buy her a drink. He did and then she asked if he lived alone (note, she didn’t ask if he was single, just if he lived alone). Which he did and confirmed that he lived alone. He didn’t bother to mention the long-term relationship he was in. He took bar woman home to his place for a romp in the hay.

Then he broke up with his long-term girlfriend. But get this, he never admitted he cheated and that’s why he was ending things. He lied and told his girlfriend it was her fault that they were done.

That literally sent chills down my spine. That poor woman, to this day, still thinks he blames her for the breakup or that it was something that she did wrong. She has no idea that he was a cheating scumbag who lied to her.

You might well ask that knowing that, why did I get involved with him? All I can say is that there is no accounting for stupid🤷

Unsurprisingly, in the end he cheated on me as well.

Now, let’s talk about how to prevent cheating in the first place. Here are a few tips to bear in mind:

Keep communication open: Make sure you’re talking to your partner regularly, and that they feel safe and comfortable talking to you too. Be honest and transparent, and don’t be afraid to express your feelings.
Strengthen your emotional connection: Make time for each other and do things that bring you closer together. Show your partner that they are valued and appreciated.
Be aware of warning signs: If your partner is suddenly distant or secretive, or sexual intimacy is gone or infrequent, it’s important to address the issue. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and look for clues that something may be wrong.
Seek help if necessary: If your relationship is struggling, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. A therapist can help you work through your issues and communicate better with each other.

Remember, cheating is never the answer. If you’re in a committed relationship, it’s important to stay true to your partner and work together to build a stronger, healthier relationship. By keeping communication open, valuing each other, and seeking help, if necessary, you can prevent cheating and build a strong, lasting connection.

And if all of that does not work, then pick up your courage and dignity and walk away. Your self-respect and emotional well-being are important. Don’t settle for the liars and the cheaters. Walk away, start anew, have faith and surround yourself with family and friends who genuinely love and care about you. You got this!

image credit: Dion Kalen facebook.com/artbykalen

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Relationships

Mindful March and what the heck is closure?

By 60plus&lovinglife March 4, 2023March 21, 2023 2

An interesting thing came across my radar today.

It’s “Mindful March” from the Action for Happiness website (click the link for more detail). It’s a downloadable and printable calendar that has a mindfulness reminder for every day.

I’ve downloaded the calendar and put it up on my fridge as a daily reminder for myself, I’ve even added it to my Google calendar on my phone in case I need a reminder during the day when I’m at work or out and about!

Today (March 4) is “notice how you speak to yourself, and choose to use kind words.”

It is too easy to be self-critical and speak poorly of oneself or have negative thoughts. I regularly hear friends berate themselves for something they feel they have done wrong (regardless of if they have or have not), or feel that they have caused to be done wrong to them.

If someone has done you dirty, that is entirely on them. Not you. Be kind to yourself and recognize that you are worthy of kindness and respect.

It reminds me of a friend of mine who recently went through a relationship breakup. Every time I see her she is wondering what she did wrong, she berates herself for her perceived failings. She is stuck in a spiral of regularly texting this man that left her and receiving no reply. She constantly states that she wants “closure”, she wants to understand what went wrong. She is stuck in a negative downward spiral of self-doubt, recrimination and sadness.

My feedback to her is to stop texting. Just stop. That she should block or delete his number from her phone. I have said that you cannot ask for “closure” from the person that has caused you pain. She literally wails that she must have closure.

The thing is – closure from a relationship breakdown is a myth. The person who broke it off is never the one you should reach out to for closure. The minute that person walked away from your life is when closure happened. It’s done and over.

What my friend wants is to understand. However, there are things in this life that we will never understand. We can only process our feelings and understand what it means to ourselves and from there move onwards into a new life. It is not easy and sometimes you may feel you are stumbling rather than progressing forwards, but you have to keep moving and trust me, it will get better.

My friend says that she wants to be like me. Strong and certain and with a clear forward focus. It’s lovely of her to say, but it’s not always easy for me either. I tell her that she does have that inner strength, she is an amazing woman worthy of love and kindness and more recently I have seen her smile and she said that she feels something has shifted within her in a good way. There is that glimmer of light that it will be ok for her.

For me? I am my mother’s fierce daughter. I have been forged in the fires of life’s trials. I always emerge at the other end stronger, more compassionate and having learned something valuable about life that I can take forward with me.

Be kind. To yourself and to others. And if someone does you dirty, do not blame yourself. It really was not you, it was them!

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Relationships

It’s all about respect

By 60plus&lovinglife January 30, 2023March 21, 2023 1

Storytime

I’ve been reflecting on how one of my relationships ended. It ended abruptly and brutally. Writing about it is both painful and cathartic.

To be honest I think the relationship was lurching towards a finish anyway. I had thoughts off and on about ending it. Communication was not really healthy and I would regularly let things slide to keep the peace. There comes a time when you can’t just brush things aside and if you are feeling unhappy or disrespected and have no opportunity to work through it, then it feels like the only option is to move on.

My partner’s favourite expression was “the grass isn’t always greener”, whenever he referred to his feelings about me/our relationship or when he was annoyed with me. I felt uncomfortable with that sentiment. It was as if I was only kept around because the other options were somehow less appealing and not that our relationship was intrinsically important or that I as a human being was valued. Hearing that on a regular basis caused me a great deal of discomfort.

Towards the end we had been at odds with each other – not necessarily more or less than at any other time when we were in disagreement about things. This is not about who is right or who is wrong. There are elements and degrees of mutual responsibility when two people are in disharmony.

What this is about is basic respect for another human being.

My partner ended our long-term relationship in a message.

Not in a phone call. Not face-to-face in a difficult conversation.

But in a message.

That is absolutely and utterly disrespectful.

I know in the dating world there is a lot of that behaviour, I read and hear about it all the time.

However, when you have shared your life fully with a person for several years, regardless of what led to the breakdown, you do owe the other person the courtesy of ending things in a civilized and respectful manner. That is not negotiable. We have an obligation to behave like decent human beings towards each other.

Anyway, it’s all in the past and I hope that he found that lush, green grass he was seeking. I also hope he reflected upon his behaviour and did not take that level of disrespect into his next relationship!

Credit for colorful RESPECT image to Marco Verch – professional photographer – https://www.flickr.com/photos/30478819@N08/

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random thoughts...

Living my Best Life!

By 60plus&lovinglife January 29, 2023February 7, 2023 0

Weekend #1 post breakup.

Saturday

I was a bit anxious on Friday. For the last 3 ½ years I have literally spent every single weekend with my (ex) partner.

Contemplating my first solo weekend was a bit anxiety inducing and a bit sad too.

My day was usual, I don’t work Fridays. I went to the gym for a pump class at 6, then walked my dog at the park.

Then the usual Friday things, another gym session late in the morning – balance class this time, then grocery shopping, grabbing an almond milk long macchiato on the way home, lunch, read, housework, and another doggie walk.

Oh, and I had a facial too! Part of my self-care is doing all the things that make me feel good, including some pampering.

I’d already decided to go dancing, I know enough people to hang with. However, my friend Helen called in the afternoon. Mostly to check in that I was doing ok – which was thoughtful of her. I told her I was heading out dancing in the evening and invited her along.

She rocked up a bit before 8pm (I was driving from my place) and snap! We were wearing near identical dresses! Her clothing style and colour range is usually completely different to mine, but she’d gone shopping in the day to expand her range. I could have changed, but thought it was more fun to roll up twinning it.

We got to the venue, and I ran into a couple of friends straight away and a few more once we got inside. Massive hugs all round, everyone thrilled to see me out and concerned about how I was feeling post breakup. I love my friends! Told everyone I was fine and dandy, bit of a sad day, but great to be out with familiar faces and ready for a night of dancing!

My mate John was there and I had the first couple of dances with him, he’s a great lead and very easy to dance with. The first dance or two felt strange, again I literally only ever danced with my (ex) partner over the years, and you get quite used to the one style.

Then everything was fine, I just got into the groove and started to feel relaxed and happy. I danced with lots of different guys, some friends from my classes, others I didn’t know. Some were great leads, some not so much.

In amongst all this I’ve had a few guys slip into my DMs or call me over Messenger as they’d seen or heard about my FB post re the breakup. Asking me to go out for drinks or catch up for a night out. Sigh! Calm down lads, I’m not up for dating anyone at the moment and sheesh, talk about giving a girl time to get over a breakup. That’s a hard no!

On Saturday. I woke early, feeling happy and relaxed. I walked Georgie-boy at the park, had breakfast (avo on toast and coffee). I have my first gym session at 9.45 and another one at 1pm. In between, I’m writing this blog post and chatting with my daughter over Messenger and on the phone (we’re catching up tomorrow for brunch).

First gym session was a Balance Class. That one I really love. A mix of yoga and Pilates. How can you not smile when doing Happy Warrior II pose? It makes me feel strong, powerful and lightweight in my strength. We always end with a relaxation session and a heart chakra pose. I always leave feeling blissful, flexible, and happy.

Link https://www.yogajournal.com/poses/warrior-ii-pose/

I bought my coffee and some flowers on the way home.

Little bit more housework this afternoon, wash the doggo and then I’ll head to another dance this evening. I’ll go with Helen again, but this time she’ll be driving and definitely no twinning our dresses tonight!

Sunday

Dance last night was awesome! My dance card was full, I barely left the dance floor!

Woke up happy and relaxed again this morning. Took the dog to the park, he’s loving the extra walks. Went to church to reflect and found peace.

I feel as though I have stepped back into my own life. Have you ever been with someone and felt as though you have been inserted into their life and consequently lost touch with your own? I allowed it to happen, but it is a massive relief to feel back to myself again.

My daughter came over later in the morning and we ended up going out for brunch at a café by the river. So nice to see and spend time with her, she’s amazing, kind, considerate, loving, smart and just the best daughter!

Then this afternoon my dance classes started up again for 2023. I’ve been really looking forward to them starting up. It’s a bit later this year, it’s usually mid-January, so it’s been a bit of a hiatus.

And OMG! It was brilliant! So great to see everyone and my dance teachers, lots of new students too. Two hours of classes and some line dancing afterwards. I felt a bit sad at first, then got into the swing of it all and just had fun and laughs! Nice to feel light-hearted enough to laugh!

All in all, I’d say weekend #1 was a success. Sure, there were moments of sadness and missing him. But making the effort to go out and see people, dance and socialize and have fun really helped me get through this first difficult time.

I’m going to be ok. I have so much love and support around me, I am truly blessed.

Credit for living my best life image – http://www.redbubble.com/people/ohya

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Relationships

Breakups!

By 60plus&lovinglife January 26, 2023March 21, 2023 4

How to build resilience during/after a relationship breakup…

My relationship of 3 and 1/2 years recently hit the skids. Unfortunate and kinda sad, but such is life!

I did not instigate the breakup, I’m more a person who likes to take time to figure things out and try to resolve any tensions. Oh well.

Anyway, this post is about building resilience, it’s how I deal with traumatic life events and what works for me. Take what resonates and leave the rest if it does not.

First up. Do not wallow in self pity. Sure it’s tempting to rock in the corner sobbing over a container of Ben & Jerry’s or sit hugging a bottle of wine. However, that really does not help. Not at all. You might think it’s comforting, but it’s not. You only end up having a pity party for one and feeling even more crap!

Pick yourself up and take care of yourself. You are important, you are valued and you have to look after yourself.

I think relationship breakups send us into a state of shock and you feel somewhat unmoored and adrift in life. What once was there has suddenly gone and you are left reeling.

As you know from earlier posts, I am big on exercise and healthy eating. It helps with my physical and emotional well-being. Therefore, when life throws me a curve ball, I ramp it all up.

Literally.

1. Exercise

I spend more time at the gym. Seriously, you cannot wallow or worry if you are lifting weights and doing endless squats and lunges. Ramping up your exercise regimen is a good thing. You feel strong and powerful and your mind is very much focused on the next move. I also have a lot of friends at the gym and I love my instructors, it’s such a supportive and social environment. If the gym is not your thing, increase whatever it is you do for exercise, take longer walks, swim further, dance more! Trust me, it helps a lot.

2. Eat healthy and well

Next, I make sure that my 95%-ish plan of eating healthy food, increases to 100%. Good, healthy, nutritious food not only nourishes your body, it is giving your mind and emotions the wherewithal to stay on an even keel. You are also performing an act of self-love. Preparing and cooking beautiful meals helps with the healing process.

3. Avoid the wine

Stay away from alcohol. It’s a depressant. It alters your brain chemistry and can make you more sad and/or depressed. Just give it a miss for a while, you will feel better about yourself.

4. Connect with your social network

Spend time with your support network. My family love me and are unconditionally supportive. I have a wide network of friends that I have built over the years. I have friends from the dance community, the gym, friends I run with and friends I’ve known for years that I hang with and chat and laugh together. I am there for them in the good times and the bad and I know I can call on them in my times of need and they are there without question, offering tea, a shoulder to cry on, hugs and love. I feel honoured to be surrounded with love.

5. Don’t stay home – go out!

Accept those offers, go out, even if you don’t really feel like it. It’s important to keep up your social life and not sit at home feeling sad and blue. A lovely friend of mine has invited me to a party this evening, he often has casual get togethers with other people I know and some I don’t. I will be there. This weekend there are a couple of dances on and for sure I will be there dancing up a storm. It’s what I love and makes me feel happy.

6. Listen to uplifting music

Do not play those sad ballads, they will just bring you down and make you cry. Find a list of happy songs (whatever genre you prefer) or those breakup songs that are empowering. A couple to consider are GRL Ugly Heart, Lizzo’s Good as Hell, Taylor Swift’s Shake it Off. My current and all time favourite is Miley’s current and perfect breakup song Flowers – this one for sure you can play on repeat! It’s powerful and will help you reclaim your power!!

6. Moving forward

Yes, life will feel strange and different for a while. It’s a jolt to have been in a deeply intimate relationship with another human and then it suddenly ends. There’s really nothing you can do to change that. Do not text. Do not call. Do not stalk their social media. Mute them on socials or block if the breakup was unpleasant and the chance of a friendship developing has a snowballs chance in hell. Focus on yourself, your needs and keep moving forward one step and one day at a time. Soon enough the uncomfortable feelings will dissipate, you will find hours, then days when they do not enter your thoughts at all. And then, one day not too far in the future you will feel absolutely fine.

And as Miley says “I can love me better than you can”. Brb, just stepping out to buy myself some flowers, then go dancing!

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Tag Archives relationship breakdown

Weekend #1 post breakup.

Saturday

Sunday

How to build resilience during/after a relationship breakup…