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Healing, healthy, happy…

Hello, lovely readers!

After years of dealing with partners who were emotionally unavailable, controlling, or downright abusive, I now have incredibly strong boundaries and I will not accept less than respect – that goes both ways!

But let me be clear, healing from toxic relationships is not an easy process. It takes time, self-reflection, and a willingness to confront the pain and trauma that has been inflicted upon us.

For me, the healing process began by recognizing the patterns of behavior that were present in my previous relationships. I had to take a hard look at myself and acknowledge the ways in which I had contributed to these toxic dynamics, whether it was by enabling my partner’s abusive behavior or by suppressing my own needs and desires in order to keep the peace.

Once I had gained this awareness, I began to set healthy boundaries and prioritize my own well-being. This meant cutting ties with people who were toxic or who did not have my best interests at heart and learning to say “no” to situations that did not align with my values or needs.

It has been a difficult and painful journey, but one that was ultimately worth it.

So, if you’re currently healing from a toxic relationship, know that it is possible to move on and find love again. But it requires doing the hard work of self-reflection and prioritizing your own well-being. Trust yourself and your instincts, and don’t settle for anything less than a partner who treats you with love and respect. It’s never too late.

Until next time, keep loving life and moving forward towards the healthy and fulfilling relationships you deserve.

image credit: @espiritu iluminado

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It’s been a hot minute!

Hey everyone – hope all is well in your corner of the world…

I’ve been a bit distracted lately with the ole breast cancer (getting better and thanks for asking!) I’ve got radiation coming up in a couple of weeks. But I’m happy to say that the Oncologist has advised me that they got the tumor completely out with healthy margins and one sketchy lymph node (and they took 5 jic!) and she actually used the word “cured” and that was good to hear! Unlikely to come back, but I will need hormone blockers for 5 – 10 years as it was estrogen (oestrogen) sensitive.

Then on top of that I came down with Covid (second time, first time was last July).

I was starting to think the universe was just plain messing with me!

I’ve had the last couple of days off work – I’m symptomatic and don’t want to spread Covid to workmates or other folk I come in contact with…

And as you do, I’ve been at a bit of a loss. Felt a bit too ill and brain foggy to write a blog post. Couldn’t even read my book yesterday (and anyone that knows me, knows I am a total book-worm, so if I can’t focus to read – I must be unwell!). So I’ve been doing Insta, TikTok and FB scrolling for entertainment, until my head hurt too much and I had to stop and have another nap or three!

The above image came across my feed and literally made me laugh and almost spit out my morning coffee! Talk about accurate!!

I mentioned in an earlier post about a previous r/ship I was in whereby the man involved was a narcissistic, gaslighting, manipulative, lying and cheating scumbag (well probably more than one post, but hey!). The one I am referring to is this one here – feel free to have a quick read, then come back. I’ll be waiting for you.

So, suffice to say that the above image really resonated with me. It’s a tactic of toxic people to make you think you are the problem. They sound convincing, but you know in your heart and soul that it is just not true what they are saying.

Trust yourself, believe in your gut instincts. Do not be manipulated. Run.

This man and his entire family were toxic. The way that they spoke to each other was absolutely appalling. He would show me messages from members of his family where they were either abusing him in the most disgusting and degrading manner or abusing each other. It was the most ugly behaviour I have ever had the misfortune to come across in my entire life. Seriously, nothing comes close. Nothing!

not my circus not my monkeys

 

 

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Be the lighthouse!

I was out for an 8km walk today, the day after my surgery (more on that in my next post and yes my surgeon said I can walk for miles!).

Whilst out walking (and when I go for my runs) is when I do my best thinking. My mind is clear and open to thoughts and ideas and I was composing this post as I was walking by the foreshore.

I’ve often said to people that I cannot understand why people that have suffered hurt or trauma in their lives inflict it on other people in their lives. It really has baffled me.

I have had hurt and trauma inflicted upon me, including childhood abuse and a couple of seriously toxic relationships as an adult.

However, I make it my life’s effort never to knowingly hurt another human being and if I do so unintentionally I will always own it and give a heartfelt apology and make amends. I choose to be this way as I know what it is to feel emotional pain and I do not want anyone else to feel that pain at my expense.

Unfortunately, I have had a couple of emotionally unhealthy relationships. One was with the MOST narcissistic, toxic man I have ever had the misfortune to come across.

I am no victim. I do not enter relationships with the aim of changing or fixing the other person. However, I have built an enormous tolerance for emotional pain and that has not held me in good stead for looking after my emotional well-being when I have connected with an emotionally abusive man.

I recently came across a life-coach who said the following which really resonated with me:

“There is a saying that is very true, but multiple things can be true at once…hurt people do hurt people. That’s a fact. I’ve felt that, I’m sure you have. But you want to know what else is a fact? That genuine people hold space for others. Safe people that worked really hard to become so safe with themselves and others. They shelter those who do not feel safe. Lighthouses, people who are lighthouses, I’m sure you’ve found one before in your life, I know I have. I am absolutely a lighthouse and I love being one. Lighthouses shine light for others. I hope that this helps shift your perspective, because although hurt people do hurt people, you can become shelter for those who need it.”

@heather.powell.coaching

So there you have it. The puzzle for me is no longer a puzzle. Be a lighthouse. I know I am. I have also found my lighthouse. A man who genuinely cares about the safe space he has in my life and I in his. A man who wishes to cause no harm to me and is the shelter for me as I am for him.

Image credit: @Ravenwolf

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no, I don’t have to smile!

But seriously, don’t you hate it when people tell you to smile? Don’t get me wrong, a nice smile is always uplifting and lovely to see. Preferably a genuine smile, not a big, fake, shark-toothed grimacey smile!

I used to be in a relationship one-upon-a-time with a man who always had a go at me when I didn’t constantly smile. I had to smile so much when we were out that my face ached. 😂

We’d be out dancing and I would be having a lovely time, enjoying the music, the dancing, being with friends. Then, all the sudden he’d glare at me and in a furious whisper say “try to look like you’re enjoying yourself and smile.”

Well ok then, I was enjoying myself, thinking all was fine and dandy. But no, apparently my face was out of line! So I would plaster a ridiculous circus grin (think painted on clown smile) for the rest of the evening so as to avoid the man getting into a shitty mood and turning frosty on me for the next few hours or days. It was just more of his controlling behavior. I saw it for what it was, however it still had an impact on me and would make me feel a bit low for a while.

Mind you, ofttimes he would either do the fakey/fakey smile at people, but mostly he had a face like a slapped arse. Anger does that to your face – it leaves that calling card of “you are not a nice person” etched onto your features.

Anyways. That’s all in the past – there is the occasional man at dance class who tells myself and other women to “smile more.” I just nod politely and say “no problem, when you show me your pretty smile, I’ll show you mine.” That usually leaves them jaw hanging in surprise.

How many times do guys tell other guys to smile? They don’t.

It’s just plain rude. Stop telling us to smile – we will if we want, we will if we feel like it.

My daughter said that in the feature pic above, I have a certain elegance in not smiling. She’s not wrong 🥰

I’m also loving my new lbd!

 

 

 

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the cheaters and the liars…

As a woman who has been around the block a time or two, I thought I had seen it all. But the one thing that always surprises me is how many men cheat on their partners.

It’s no secret that infidelity is a major issue in many relationships. But why do so many men cheat, even when they seem to have it all?

First, let’s look at the reasons why men cheat. Often, it’s not just about sex. Many men cheat because they feel emotionally disconnected from their partners or they feel they are losing control over the relationship and seek control elsewhere. For others it’s their sense of entitlement – they can and will do whatever they please, regardless of the consequences or the pain they will cause.

Whatever the reason, cheating is never acceptable. It’s painful, damaging, and can lead to the breakdown of a relationship. If you suspect your partner is cheating, it’s important to address the issue head-on.

I also speak from experience; I have had at least two cheating partners (that I know of 😂). One of them literally gave me the heads up at the get go. Now if that’s not a 🚩 I don’t know what is!

Early on, he was happy to tell me about all his dating, relationship, and sexual conquests and proud of himself too – thought he was quite the lad! And, woo, were there some doozies in all of those stories.

One that stood out was that towards the end of a long-term relationship he cheated on his then partner. He was drinking alone in a bar and a woman he didn’t know asked him to buy her a drink. He did and then she asked if he lived alone (note, she didn’t ask if he was single, just if he lived alone). Which he did and confirmed that he lived alone. He didn’t bother to mention the long-term relationship he was in. He took bar woman home to his place for a romp in the hay.

Then he broke up with his long-term girlfriend. But get this, he never admitted he cheated and that’s why he was ending things. He lied and told his girlfriend it was her fault that they were done.

That literally sent chills down my spine. That poor woman, to this day, still thinks he blames her for the breakup or that it was something that she did wrong. She has no idea that he was a cheating scumbag who lied to her.

You might well ask that knowing that, why did I get involved with him? All I can say is that there is no accounting for stupid🤷

Unsurprisingly, in the end he cheated on me as well.

Now, let’s talk about how to prevent cheating in the first place. Here are a few tips to bear in mind:

  1. Keep communication open: Make sure you’re talking to your partner regularly, and that they feel safe and comfortable talking to you too. Be honest and transparent, and don’t be afraid to express your feelings.
  2. Strengthen your emotional connection: Make time for each other and do things that bring you closer together. Show your partner that they are valued and appreciated.
  3. Be aware of warning signs: If your partner is suddenly distant or secretive, or sexual intimacy is gone or infrequent, it’s important to address the issue. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and look for clues that something may be wrong.
  4. Seek help if necessary: If your relationship is struggling, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. A therapist can help you work through your issues and communicate better with each other.

Remember, cheating is never the answer. If you’re in a committed relationship, it’s important to stay true to your partner and work together to build a stronger, healthier relationship. By keeping communication open, valuing each other, and seeking help, if necessary, you can prevent cheating and build a strong, lasting connection.

And if all of that does not work, then pick up your courage and dignity and walk away. Your self-respect and emotional well-being are important. Don’t settle for the liars and the cheaters. Walk away, start anew, have faith and surround yourself with family and friends who genuinely love and care about you. You got this!

image credit: Dion Kalen facebook.com/artbykalen

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Coercive Control

As I sit down to write this blog post, I am filled with a sense of sadness and frustration. Coercive control is a serious issue that affects countless individuals – particularly women – in their relationships. It is a form of abuse that can be difficult to identify and escape from, and it’s a topic that deserves our attention and discussion.

Coercive control involves using a combination of tactics to manipulate and intimidate a partner into submission. These tactics can include emotional manipulation, financial control, physical violence, and threats of harm to oneself or others. The abuser seeks to exert complete domination over their partner, often isolating them from family and friends and controlling every aspect of their life.

This type of abuse is insidious because it often occurs gradually over time, making it difficult for the victim to recognize what is happening. The abuser may use subtle language or behaviors that make the victim feel guilty, powerless, or worthless. Eventually, the victim may begin to doubt their own thoughts and emotions, thinking that they are the problem.

But let me tell you something: you are not the problem. No one deserves to be treated in such a way. Coercive control is a form of domestic violence, and there are resources available to help you escape it.

If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control, there are steps you can take. Seek out the support of trusted family and friends, or consider reaching out to a domestic violence hotline or organization. They can provide resources and guidance on how to safely leave the relationship and start rebuilding your life.

Remember that coercive control is a serious issue that requires attention and action. No one deserves to live in fear or be controlled by someone else. It’s never too late to seek help and break free from the cycle of abuse.

As we continue to navigate through the challenges of life, let us be mindful of those around us. Let us offer ourselves as support systems for anyone who may be experiencing coercive control. Let us listen without judgment and offer guidance where we can. And above all, let us never forget that we are all worthy of love and respect – no matter what.

Disclaimer: This blog post is not about any one individual. It is written about a topical issue that impacts many women and to empower women in their lives.

Image credit: Creative Chand

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