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Sometimes it’s just really hard…

So there I was, drenched in sweat, heart racing, and fingers trembling as I finally unlocked the last clue to escape the most diabolical room ever designed by humanity. The clock stopped with mere seconds to spare. I turned to my friends, ready to bask in the glory of our victory when, out of nowhere, my ex—yes, my actual ex—popped out of nowhere (don’t ask me how they got there) and said, “That was our relationship.”

Well, ouch. But also… kinda accurate.

Let me paint a picture for you. An escape room, if you haven’t experienced one, is a place where you voluntarily lock yourself in a room with your friends (or frenemies), and then solve a series of puzzles to get out. You have a set time limit, usually an hour, to piece together clues, decode messages, and generally panic while the clock ticks down. Fun, right?

Now, let’s talk about relationships—specifically, mine with my ex. Imagine entering a room with no clear instructions, where everything is a potential clue but nothing makes sense. You look at your partner and wonder, “Are we in this together, or are you just going to watch me struggle while offering vague hints?”

The Clues

In an escape room, clues are hidden everywhere. In my relationship, clues about how my ex was feeling were just as scattered and cryptic. “Is that a happy sigh or a frustrated one?” I’d think, like I was trying to decode Morse code. And just like in an escape room, sometimes you’d find a clue, think it was the key to everything, only to realize it led to another puzzle, and another, and another…

The Team

Escape rooms are all about teamwork. So are relationships. But in our case, the teamwork was… let’s say, lacking. It was like being in a room with someone who’d rather rearrange the furniture than solve the puzzle. “Did you try opening that drawer?” I’d ask, metaphorically, in our relationship. “No, but I think the couch looks better over here,” would be the response.

The Time Crunch

The ticking clock in an escape room adds pressure, much like the ticking clock of societal expectations in a relationship. “When are you two getting serious?” friends would ask. Meanwhile, we’re still trying to figure out how to unlock the emotional equivalent of a padlocked treasure chest – without the actual treasure!

The Victory

Escaping the room felt amazing. For a brief moment, I felt like a genius who could outwit any challenge. Similarly, the moments when our relationship worked felt incredible. We’d have a breakthrough, like finding a hidden key, and everything would click into place. But just like in escape rooms, that high was often followed by the realization that another puzzle awaited us.

The Exit

Finally, there’s that sweet moment of escape, of freedom, of seeing the light outside. In our relationship, that moment came too. But instead of cheers and high-fives, it was more of a mutual, exhausted sigh of relief. I didn’t solve the puzzle, but I sure learned a lot about myself along the way.

Our relationship was one giant, complicated, exhausting escape room. But unlike a typical escape room, where the challenge is the reward, our relationship taught me that sometimes, the best move is knowing when to call it quits and head for the door.

And for that, I thank my ex. Now, who’s up for another escape room?

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Unpacking Emotional Baggage: A Journey to Break Free from Unhealthy Patterns

We’ve all been there—choosing emotionally unavailable or shady partners, falling into the trap of people-pleasing, wrestling with perfectionism, and getting caught in the endless loop of overthinking.

For sure I have had experience with a really shady partner some time ago. He was a full-blown narcissist, emotionally unavailable, emotionally corrupt and he enjoyed causing pain to all those who unfortunately had dealings with him.

The weekend prior to our breakup was classic. He had undergone cosmetic treatment to his eyelids (vain af he was😂). I spent that entire weekend looking after him. He literally could barely open his eyes, they were so swollen and bruised. So I went over to his place, cooked his meals, took groceries to last him the week ahead as he was too vain to be seen out in public after his procedure. I brought wine, chocolates and all his favorite things to eat. I literally babied him the entire weekend.

Then he broke up with me in a text message the day I returned home.

Was I surprised? Yes and no. I knew the relationship was on its last legs. I knew he was toxic and causing me emotional distress and damage.

I knew he used me for emotional support for all the dramas he had been going through, there was absolutely no gratitude or kindness on his end.

So, yeah – it had to end. But it was still brutal. I had cared for him and nurtured him and my reward was a shitty little text breaking it off.

It happens, it shouldn’t, people should behave better. But some just cannot. They treat people as disposable.

We need to ensure that we stay safe, have good boundaries, surround ourselves with genuine, loving family and friends.

It’s a familiar narrative, one that many of us find ourselves entangled in at different points in our lives.

The question is: How do we break free from these patterns and declutter the emotional baggage that holds us back?

Choosing Emotional Availability Over Shadiness

Understanding Emotional Unavailability:

Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable can be a deeply ingrained pattern.

It often stems from our own insecurities or a desire to fix and nurture others. However, recognizing this pattern is the first step toward change.

The Decluttering Process:

Begin by reflecting on your own emotional needs and boundaries. What are your deal-breakers?

What do you truly deserve in a relationship? Letting go of emotionally unavailable partners means making space for connections that are built on mutual understanding, respect, and emotional availability.

Breaking the Chains of People-Pleasing

Identifying People-Pleasing Patterns:

People-pleasing is a common struggle for many, driven by a fear of rejection or conflict.

It often leaves us exhausted, as our actions become dictated by the expectations of others rather than our own authentic selves.

The Decluttering Process:

Start by becoming aware of your own needs and desires. Practice setting healthy boundaries and saying no when necessary.

Embrace the discomfort that comes with standing up for yourself, and remember that your worth is not determined by others’ approval.

Dismantling the Perfectionism Trap

Recognizing the Perfectionism Cycle:

Perfectionism can be paralyzing, preventing us from taking risks and embracing imperfections.

It’s essential to understand that perfection is an unattainable goal and that the pursuit of it can hinder personal growth.

The Decluttering Process:

Challenge your inner critic by reframing your perspective on failure. Embrace the learning opportunities that come with making mistakes.

Cultivate self-compassion and recognize that imperfections are what make us beautifully human.

Escaping the Overthinking Maze

Understanding the Overthinking Tendency:

Overthinking often results from anxiety about the future or fixation on the past. It steals our present moment and prevents us from fully experiencing life.

The Decluttering Process:

Practice mindfulness and grounding techniques to bring yourself back to the present.

Challenge irrational thoughts and focus on what you can control. Cultivate a mindset that values the present moment, allowing room for spontaneity and joy.

Crafting the Life You Deserve

Decluttering emotional baggage is a journey, not a destination. It requires self-reflection, courage, and a commitment to your own well-being.

By identifying and addressing these patterns, you pave the way for a life that aligns with your needs, desires, and inherent worth.

Remember, you have the power to break free from these patterns and create a life that reflects your authentic self.

Embrace the journey of self-discovery, and step into a future unburdened by emotional baggage—a future that holds the promise of genuine connections, self-love, and the fulfillment you truly deserve

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What to do when a pesky ex keeps fussing & bothering you…

I have one particular ex (won’t name him of course) who constantly leaves sh*tty comments on my blog. He is obsessed with reading it and seems to think everything I write is about him!

I find that narcissists think everything is about them, even when it is not. Heck, I write about my dog and for sure the ex will probably think it’s about him! 😂

His comments on my blog are unhinged, vitriolic and full of b.s. However, in his last one he has decided that he will from now on refer to me as the “nutty professor” (I was a university professor in my career, I’m semi-retired now.) He said he reads every single blog post and will continue to do so and continue to make comments. He is a persistent and serial pest!

Well, it took me a hot minute to figure out that I actually can block his IP address and his email and the IP of his flying monkey, so every time they leave a comment it will auto-delete! So hey 🤡 you blocked now!

As far as insults go, ‘nutty professor’ is pretty lame (some of the things he has called me are unprintable!) and I kind of like it! As my daughter said (oh yeah, he has a go at my baby in his nasty comments too – it is really disturbing.) Anyway, she said that insult just means I am “smart and eccentric” – nothing wrong with that! 😂

If I have the misfortune to run into him at a public venue, he goes out of his way to approach me (in front of multiple witnesses!) and then he trash-talks me in passing. I just pretend he is non-existent and I walk on by!

I may joke about all of this and make light of it, but the entitlement and audacity of this man is astonishing. He thinks he can intimidate me into shutting down my blog or be uncomfortable going out to public venues, because he deliberately goes out of his way to approach me – even when I’ve been with my new partner or with girlfriends. His aim is to intimidate me, but it is not working. I will not be bullied by anyone and certainly not by an overweening, arrogant narcissist!

All humor and levity aside – here are some tips for you if you have a toxic ex who just won’t leave you alone, go away and live their own life far away from you!

TIPS:

Breaking free from a toxic relationship is a monumental step toward reclaiming your peace and happiness. However, it’s not uncommon for a toxic ex-partner to continue fussing and bothering you long after the relationship has ended.

We’ll explore some strategies and coping mechanisms to help you navigate this challenging situation while safeguarding your well-being.

Establish and Enforce Boundaries:

Setting clear boundaries is crucial when dealing with a toxic ex. Define what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and communicate these boundaries firmly but calmly. Make it clear that you expect respect and space. Be consistent in enforcing these boundaries, and do not engage in conversations or actions that violate them.

Limit Contact:

Minimize contact with your toxic ex as much as possible. Block their phone number, unfollow or block them on social media, and avoid attending events or places where you might run into them. Reducing contact can help diminish their opportunities to bother or fuss with you.

Maintain Emotional Distance:

Emotionally detach yourself from their actions and words. Remember that their behavior is a reflection of their issues, not your worth. Stay focused on your own healing and growth.

Seek Support:

Lean on friends, family, or a therapist for emotional support. Discussing your feelings and experiences with someone you trust can provide validation, clarity, and a sense of relief.

Practice Self-Care:

Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being is paramount. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as exercise, meditation, hobbies, or spending time with loved ones. Prioritize self-care to help you stay resilient and centered.

Document Incidents:

If your toxic ex’s behavior escalates to harassment or threats, keep records of their actions, messages, or interactions. This documentation can be valuable if legal action becomes necessary.

Consider Legal Options:

If the situation becomes unmanageable or dangerous, consult with legal authorities or a lawyer to explore potential restraining orders or legal remedies.

Stay Mindful and Patient:

Dealing with a toxic ex can be a long and challenging process. Stay patient and mindful and remember that their behavior may lessen over time as they find other interests or move on.

Navigating the persistent interference of a toxic ex can be emotionally draining, but it’s crucial to prioritize your own well-being. By establishing boundaries, limiting contact, seeking support, and practicing self-care, you can regain control over your life and protect your peace and happiness.

Ultimately, remember that you have the strength to overcome this challenge, and as you continue to heal and grow, the impact of your toxic ex’s interference will gradually diminish. Your well-being and happiness are worth the effort it takes to create a life free from their toxic influence.

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Karma and can there be redemption for narcissists?

Have you ever felt that maybe you are someone’s karma? Hear me out. Oft times we have had toxic people in our lives and we and our loved ones say “karma” will sort them out. However, mostly you never know if it does or does not. I find that it probably does, but we will never really know. You just have to trust.

Actions and Consequences:

In the intricate dance of life, we often witness the delicate balance between actions and consequences. Narcissists, who thrive on manipulation and deceit, may find themselves facing a unique form of karma when the spotlight of truth is finally cast upon them.

Narcissists often wield manipulation, gaslighting, and victimhood as tools to maintain control over others. Their actions create a tangled web of deception that can cast shadows over the lives of those they touch.

For a while, it might seem that they operate without consequences, but the truth has a way of making its presence felt, no matter how elaborate the disguise.

When the spotlight of truth shines upon them:

Imagine the moment when the spotlight of truth shines upon a narcissist’s carefully constructed façade. It’s a revelation that pierces through the layers of deceit, exposing the darkness that has been hidden in plain sight. This moment can be powerful and transformative, both for the narcissist and for those who have been affected by their actions.

My lived experience with a toxic narcissist:

Was possibly one of the most unpleasant and destructive situations I have had the misfortune to find myself within. They choose their targets well. People often think they only seek out the “weak”. However, this is not the case. Often they target someone who is intelligent as that presents more of a challenge for them.

At times I literally felt he was the devil and I would get chills at his callous words and behaviour. He made a point of appearing to be clean-cut and to all intents and purposes disguised as a decent human. He looked like he was ready to step into church services on any day of the week, but it was all just a façade to mask the evil within.

Imagecredit:Inkthinker

But below that neat and tidy, yet false demeanor, lurked a cold and hateful heart. Often I would feel emotionally detached after being the target of his scathing words and actions. The destructive behaviour of a narcissist leaves you reeling, you literally don’t know which way is up by the time they are done tormenting you.

When you speak your truth and they recognize themselves in your words:

When faced with the unrelenting gaze of truth, a narcissist’s world can unravel. The façade they so carefully cultivated begins to crumble, revealing the emptiness beneath. This moment can be both humbling and enlightening.

For the first time, they confront the consequences of their actions and the pain they’ve inflicted on others. It’s a karma of their own making, a mirror reflecting back the reality they’ve tried so hard to deny.

a quote on Karma will catch up
imagecredit:sitaramsatu

As the spotlight of truth exposes the narcissist’s actions, it also offers an opportunity for growth and change. Some may resist, retreating further into denial. Others might experience a moment of clarity, recognizing the destructive path they’ve followed.

It’s a pivotal moment that can lead to a crossroads of transformation, where they can choose to confront their flaws and embark on a journey of self-improvement.

When the spotlight of truth shines upon a narcissist, it’s not about reveling in their downfall, but about accountability and growth. The karma they face is a reflection of the energy they’ve put out into the world.

Whether they choose to remain in denial or take the path of redemption, the exposure of truth serves as a reminder that actions have consequences, and the choices we make shape the journey of our lives.

For those who have been hurt by a narcissist’s actions, the spotlight of truth can bring a sense of validation and closure. It’s a chance to reclaim their own narrative and heal from the wounds inflicted by deceit.

While karma doesn’t always manifest as instant retribution, the exposure of truth can be a step towards restoring balance and justice.

p.s. Dear Narcissist, thank you for giving me so much to write about, I am very grateful😁I’ll bet you never expected your legacy would be to help so many women deal with toxic relationships via my writing & my blog! Inadvertently you have done us all a service. Peace out man✌️

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Unveiling the Veil of Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Unmasking Manipulation and Gaslighting

In the intricate realm of human psychology, few personalities are as perplexing and detrimental as those encompassing Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Behind the façade of charisma and charm, narcissists often wield manipulation, gaslighting, and victimhood as tools to maintain control over their unsuspecting partners. It’s a tangled web of emotions, deception, and power dynamics that can leave the partner questioning their own reality.

Gaslighting is the manipulation tactic through which a narcissist distorts reality, making their partner doubt their perceptions and memories.

This psychological warfare serves to exert control over the partner’s emotions and actions, allowing the narcissist to maintain dominance in the relationship.

The Veil of Victimhood: Unraveling the Narcissist’s Web

One of the most unsettling traits of narcissists is their uncanny ability to portray themselves as the victims, even in situations where they are the aggressors. This psychological flip-flop, combined with gaslighting tactics, creates a skewed reality that can leave partners feeling disoriented and doubting their own sanity.

As the partner tries to shine the light of truth upon the narcissist’s behavior, the narcissist becomes increasingly agitated, often resorting to aggressive defenses to protect their fragile self-image.

Numerous studies have delved into the deceptive tactics employed by narcissists within relationships. According to a study published in the “Journal of Personality and Social Psychology” (Smith et al., 2019), narcissists are adept at portraying themselves as victims, even when they are the instigators of conflict.

This manipulation is rooted in their desire to preserve their inflated self-image while undermining their partner’s sense of reality.

The Fear of Exposure: Unmasking the Truth

Perhaps the deepest fear that drives a narcissist’s manipulative behavior is the possibility of anyone discovering the truth about their actions and the darkness that lurks within.

Their identity is intricately woven with an illusion of perfection, and any chink in this armor threatens to unravel their carefully constructed façade. It’s this fear that propels them to weave intricate webs of deceit, convincing themselves that their version of events is indeed the reality.

A research paper published in “Personality and Individual Differences” (Miller et al., 2018) delves into the underlying fear that drives a narcissist’s manipulation: the fear of being exposed.

Narcissists are acutely aware of the chasm between their self-proclaimed greatness and their true behavior.

The study suggests that this fear is a driving force behind their efforts to deceive and manipulate, as they desperately attempt to shield their constructed persona from crumbling under scrutiny.

Tales of Deceit: The Narcissist’s Relationship with Truth

Lies become a tool for narcissists, a means to an end to protect their self-image and manipulate others. Their relationship with the truth is often tenuous at best, as they bend and twist facts to fit their narrative.

Partners of narcissists are often left bewildered as they encounter a partner who can effortlessly fabricate stories, deny blatant actions, and twist events to suit their own agenda.

A comprehensive review in the “Journal of Abnormal Psychology” (Campbell & Foster, 2021) sheds light on the narcissist’s loose relationship with the truth.

The study reveals that narcissists often engage in lying and fabricating stories to maintain their self-image. This manipulation of reality further complicates their partners’ perception of truth, leading to a cycle of confusion and emotional turmoil

7 Signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

  1. Exaggerated Sense of Self-Importance: A narcissist believes they are exceptional and demands excessive admiration.
  2. Lack of Empathy: They struggle to understand or relate to others’ feelings and needs.
  3. Sense of Entitlement: Narcissists believe they deserve special treatment and may exploit others to achieve their desires.
  4. Constant Need for Attention: They crave constant attention and will go to great lengths to obtain it.
  5. Manipulation and Gaslighting: Narcissists use manipulation and gaslighting tactics to control and confuse their partners.
  6. Shifting the Blame: They often portray themselves as victims and deflect blame onto others.
  7. Jealousy and Envy: Narcissists harbor envy and resentment toward others’ successes and may belittle or undermine them.

Navigating Narcissistic Relationships: Guarding Your Heart

If you suspect you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s crucial to prioritize your emotional well-being. Seek support from friends, family, or professionals who can help you untangle the web of manipulation and gaslighting. Remember that you deserve a healthy and nurturing relationship, free from emotional abuse.

Unmasking the true nature of a narcissist can be a daunting journey, but it’s essential to protect your own reality and regain control of your life. By recognizing the signs of narcissistic personality disorder and acknowledging the manipulative tactics they employ, you can break free from their emotional grip and embark on a path toward healing and self-discovery.

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Escaping the Emotional Zombie and Embracing Love!

Hey there, warriors of wit and wisdom!

Picture this: me, your quirky narrator, dancing out of an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist like a liberated flamingo on a tropical island. And guess what? I then found myself prancing into the warm embrace of a caring and loving man who might as well be a cuddly teddy bear – the difference could not be greater, literally polar opposites!

Oh, the exhilaration of it all! Buckle up, because we’re about to embark on a rollercoaster of emotions, liberating laughter, and maybe even a few sassy dance moves!

I feel so free and light-hearted, happy, and content.

Ah, yes, being with a narcissist is like a journey through the twilight zone. It’s like they sucked the life out of every conversation, leaving me feeling utterly confounded! But fret not, dear readers! I navigated the murky waters of gaslighting and emotional manipulation with the grace of a cat walking on a tightrope.

image of a cat and a squiggly line on a black background
imagecredit:elifatayteam

Embracing the Light:

Oh, the day I broke free! It was like stepping into the dazzling sunshine after what felt like a lifetime of gloomy skies. The sheer joy of not having to deal with constant drama and walking on eggshells? Absolutely priceless! I did a victory dance that could rival any dance-off on TV.

Trust the GPS of Your Gut:

When you exit an emotionally abusive relationship, you might wonder if you’ll ever find someone who treats you like the treasure you are. Fear not, fellow adventurers! The GPS of your gut knows the way. Trust that inner voice, even if it sounds like your quirky aunt with a crystal ball. Moving on is the right thing to do, and your heart knows it.

Stay Strong, Stay Sassy:

In this world of uncertainty and emotional minefields, it’s essential to stay strong and sassy like a wise-cracking superhero. You are worthy of love, respect, and a partner who sees you for the amazing human you are. So, put on your metaphorical superhero cape and take charge of your destiny.

Humour: The Master Potion:

My friends, humour is the magic potion that helps us survive the ridiculousness of life. Laugh at the absurdity of your past experiences with your toxic ex, like an inside joke only you and the universe share. A witty quip is like a shield against negativity, so unleash your arsenal of humour and watch the toxic vibes bounce off like rubber balls.

I want you to know that there is a world of love, joy, and genuine care waiting for you too. Escape the clutches of the emotional zombie, embrace the love you deserve, and dance like nobody’s watching.

Stay strong, be brave, and trust that moving on is the ultimate key to unlock the door to your happily-ever-after.

Now, go forth, my sassy squad of readers, and create your own stories of liberation and love. You’ve got the spirit of a warrior and the humour of a stand-up comedian. So, celebrate your journey with a wink and a smile, for you are now the master of your destiny!😉

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Healing, healthy, happy…

Hello, lovely readers!

After years of dealing with partners who were emotionally unavailable, controlling, or downright abusive, I now have incredibly strong boundaries and I will not accept less than respect – that goes both ways!

But let me be clear, healing from toxic relationships is not an easy process. It takes time, self-reflection, and a willingness to confront the pain and trauma that has been inflicted upon us.

For me, the healing process began by recognizing the patterns of behavior that were present in my previous relationships. I had to take a hard look at myself and acknowledge the ways in which I had contributed to these toxic dynamics, whether it was by enabling my partner’s abusive behavior or by suppressing my own needs and desires in order to keep the peace.

Once I had gained this awareness, I began to set healthy boundaries and prioritize my own well-being. This meant cutting ties with people who were toxic or who did not have my best interests at heart and learning to say “no” to situations that did not align with my values or needs.

It has been a difficult and painful journey, but one that was ultimately worth it.

So, if you’re currently healing from a toxic relationship, know that it is possible to move on and find love again. But it requires doing the hard work of self-reflection and prioritizing your own well-being. Trust yourself and your instincts, and don’t settle for anything less than a partner who treats you with love and respect. It’s never too late.

Until next time, keep loving life and moving forward towards the healthy and fulfilling relationships you deserve.

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It’s been a hot minute!

Hey everyone – hope all is well in your corner of the world…

I’ve been a bit distracted lately with the ole breast cancer (getting better and thanks for asking!) I’ve got radiation coming up in a couple of weeks. But I’m happy to say that the Oncologist has advised me that they got the tumor completely out with healthy margins and one sketchy lymph node (and they took 5 jic!) and she actually used the word “cured” and that was good to hear! Unlikely to come back, but I will need hormone blockers for 5 – 10 years as it was estrogen (oestrogen) sensitive.

Then on top of that I came down with Covid (second time, first time was last July).

I was starting to think the universe was just plain messing with me!

I’ve had the last couple of days off work – I’m symptomatic and don’t want to spread Covid to workmates or other folk I come in contact with…

And as you do, I’ve been at a bit of a loss. Felt a bit too ill and brain foggy to write a blog post. Couldn’t even read my book yesterday (and anyone that knows me, knows I am a total book-worm, so if I can’t focus to read – I must be unwell!). So I’ve been doing Insta, TikTok and FB scrolling for entertainment, until my head hurt too much and I had to stop and have another nap or three!

The above image came across my feed and literally made me laugh and almost spit out my morning coffee! Talk about accurate!!

I mentioned in an earlier post about a previous r/ship I was in whereby the man involved was a narcissistic, gaslighting, manipulative, lying and cheating scumbag (well probably more than one post, but hey!). The one I am referring to is this one here – feel free to have a quick read, then come back. I’ll be waiting for you.

So, suffice to say that the above image really resonated with me. It’s a tactic of toxic people to make you think you are the problem. They sound convincing, but you know in your heart and soul that it is just not true what they are saying.

Trust yourself, believe in your gut instincts. Do not be manipulated. Run.

This man and his entire family were toxic. The way that they spoke to each other was absolutely appalling. He would show me messages from members of his family where they were either abusing him in the most disgusting and degrading manner or abusing each other. It was the most ugly behaviour I have ever had the misfortune to come across in my entire life. Seriously, nothing comes close. Nothing!

not my circus not my monkeys

 

 

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Gaslit…

Much has been written about gaslighting behaviour in relationships. It’s a term that has entered into psychological literature and the current lexicon when talking about emotionally abusive relationships. See this link for more information What Is Gaslighting? What You Need To Know – Forbes Health

Gaslighting is, in essence, a behaviour whereby one person manipulates the thinking of another person. Primarily to make the other person doubt their own reality and be easier to control.

It’s a concept that I have found interesting to read about and something that entered my own life at one point in time. So I thought I would share my experience of that time.

I was once unfortunately involved in a relationship with an absolute master manipulator. His skill was unsurpassed. He had a lifetime of manipulating, lying to and controlling the women in his life. I was just one in an endless stream.

It started early on, probably in the first couple of months, if not weeks. His external façade was charming, slick and had an appearance of warmth and bonhomie.

I recall one evening when we had dinner together, shared a bottle of wine, and were relaxing and chatting during and afterwards. Not chatting about anything controversial, just pleasant conversation.

All the sudden he pointed a finger at me and said: “I need to tell you something about yourself that you do not want to hear”.

I was taken aback, to be honest I was pretty sure that I did not want to hear something that I “did not want to hear”.

He continued and said: “You need to know that you can be really cold and remote, and I have to tell you”.

I was shocked as we had been having a lovely, pleasant meal and chat. In fact, our whole early relationship to that point had seemed to be warm and friendly. I was very open with him and trusting and I’m fairly sure that I was not in the least cold or remote.

I said that I did not feel that I am either cold or remote. He insisted that I was and that I had to be told.

Hmmmm….

This same conversation happened at irregular and surprising intervals. Surprising, as they always came after a lovely meal or time spent together (always when drinking wine – so my mind was never quite sharp enough).  Always when I was feeling very warm and loving towards him. Afterwards I was left feeling hurt and upset and a bit shaky. It aways felt a bit surreal (that is one of the ways many recipients of gaslighting behaviour describe it, I didn’t realize that until I read more about it) and I felt that I had slipped into the twilight zone. It always began in the exact same way. The script was always the same. “I need to tell you something you do not want to hear…” followed by the accusation of coldness/remoteness – when I was always the very opposite of that.

I disagreed with him, and he insisted that he was correct and that I just did not realize what I was like, and he had to tell me – repeatedly.

I would puzzle over this when I was on my own. I really am not a cold or remote person. But I started to doubt myself. Was he seeing something in me that I could not? He said it often enough and randomly enough that it caused me to constantly examine my behaviour and emotions when I spent time with him.

Eventually I checked in with family and friends who have known me either all my life or a great part thereof. I just needed a reality check, no-one who knows me well thought what he said was true, they always confirmed that I am the exact opposite. Heck, I even called my ex-boyfriend for his feedback/advice. I figured that an ex would not pull any punches in being honest with me – even though we were no longer together, we still stayed in touch. I asked him if during our relationship he ever found me to be cold or remote. He was really surprised and said absolutely not. He said I was always warm and lovely, and he could not imagine anything further from who I am as a person.

The next time the script came up I finally said: “I’m neither of those things and I do not accept you saying that about me”. So that one stopped.

Over the next couple of years, the script changed. It always began with the “I need to tell you something you do not want to hear…” Followed by a description of some terrible flaw of my character. Sometimes the comments were quite ludicrous, and I would just quietly disagree, and he would get angry and keep insisting. Then the next day he always acted like nothing had happened or been said and he would act completely normal. Again, very surreal.

Fortunately, it no longer worked on me. I recognised it for what it was – gaslighting. Never again did I doubt myself in that relationship, however I do realize I should have left a lot earlier. I recognised what he was doing, I made a choice to stay for the companionship, but in the end, nothing is worth being treated poorly.

I am right where I should be quote

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